And now a word from our sponsors.

Hey You!

Yes, You!

Are you a human being?

Can you read this?

Are you in a room?

Do you have your right hand on a mouse or a touchpad?

Are you sitting in a chair all by yourself while reading this?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but chances are you're really really fat. What do you mean how do I know? I simply know, don't be confused by the mirror, it is controlled by the Government who lies to you just so you can feel better and distracted from what's really going on. But trust me, my friend, trust me: you're fat.

If you look like this,

you're just a big mass of blob.

No need to be shy, you really are! All your friends left you, including your girlfriend/boyfriend and your parents disowned you. Why? Because you're fat! Fat! Fat! Don't worry though, I do feel pity for you and I understand the suffering caused by the people that can't understand you and make fun of you all day. Yes, you big ball of lard, I care for you. That's why I'm going to present you this offer. It's simple, it's cheap, and you'll lose weight in no time (or you'll be dead, in which case you can't possibly sue our company). How, you ask? It's simple!

 Try Our New Product!

Our brand New line of plastic bedsheets: "Gladiola"! Yes, my horizontally challenged friend, these plastic bedsheets will help you lose weight even while sleeping! You see, our scientists have tried for years to find out how can they help buldozers such as yourself to lose weight and stop the land from sinking into the sea. It was a tedious process with countless lives lost thanks to half of Holland being submerged. Our scientists have been struggling for years to find out why the other weight loss cures failed to work. How could the cabbage soup fail? It seemed perfect. How could the patches fail? It was foolproof. I mean, there was the classic and ancient solution called "sport", but that was just a wild phantasy conceived by a drunk quantum physician on speed, it could never work. So they researched and reasearched and reasearched...

"This is a race against time...

Come on man! Greece is sinking!"

And all of a sudden they finally found the solution. And the solution is exactly what you'll be buying right now. You'll probably think: "Oh, great, another classic and boring bed sheet" and you'll immediately think of something like this:

But fear not, for you will be immediately charmed by the attractive look of these particular bed sheets and you'll be so mesmerized by them that you will never separate...ever. Because they look something like this:

But why am I saying "you'll be buying" and not "you will probably buy"? Well, my fluffy hippo intimidator, you simply will not be able to resist this offer! See how beautiful, clean and white they are? Well, you'll get them with only 200$.

What? You can't believe your eyes? Too cheap to be true? I said

200$

You still think they're too cheap and good to be true? Ok, I'll lower the price for you. How about

150$

It's not enough for you? Do you want something more to come with that price? Well, my black hole friend, you drive a hard bargain! But I can satisfy that.

I throw in for your personal delight:

A cute plastic glass.

And trust me, I've been thinking a lot of giving away this glass. But it's worth it.

But let's see what our previous costumers have to say about our product. Is it any good? Did it help them?

George, Belgium:

"At first I couldn't believe my eyes, in just two hours of sleep on the plastic bedsheets I lost 10 Kg (yes, we use the metric system here) and  I'm experiencing a terrible urge to dance like a diseased mad cow. I now have the power to move from the TV to the fridge. Amazing!"

马大为, China:

"这些很舒服。"

Geraldine, U.S.A, Texas:

"Buck! Bring the spatula! I can't get off of these bedsheets! I'm glued to them"

 Richard, U.K:

"..."

As you can see, our customers are quite happy with the bought merchandise. But why so? Well, my personal gravity-field owner, it's because the bedsheets have included this new technology called plastic! It doesn't look like much, but it does wonders!

You see. When a Monomer Mother meets a Monomer Father

and they sort of...do stuff, they join themselves from bellow

and stay there until the Monomer Father decides to join with other 

Monomer Mothers. But when they join, they release water (H2O is water)

and all that remains is plastic.

Anyhow, all you have to understand is that the wonderfully coloured marbles are found in plastic and make you more slim. And these bed sheets are made of plastic! Can you believe it? You must buy them, at least for the tiny marbles.

Made with lots of love, especially for you, our plastic bed sheets are designed and fabricated in an abandoned warehouse just at the Chinese borders by thousands of poor Chinese people. Because we care!

Our plastic bed sheets are made in the finest conditions...

for a third world country.

Pictured here: the love.

But wait!

I somehow feel you're not convinced. Maybe there is too much money involved after all for just some bed sheets and a plastic glass, maybe you think you should receive more for 150$. Well, I understand you whale cub, therefore I have a new offer to make. So, if you call the number 968-273-26-43468 in TEN minutes, then you'll also receive a free copy of Adolf Hitler's bestseller:

"The perfect guide to making and modifying 

a chair that can satisfy your dictatorial urges.

It includes numerous furniture hits such as :
-Mussolini's rocking chair with FM receiver

-Stalin's  sofa with paranoia inducers
-Mobutu Sese Seko's chair with fluffy leopard prints

-Idi Amin's double bed with sharks
and everybody's favourite

-Hitler's anti jew chair"

 So don't wait, buy the Gladiola plastic bedsheets now, just for 150$ and save the world from sinking!

P.S. I also want you guys to do something for me. It's not a request, it's an order. I want you to post some questions for me to answer in the comment section. The next post will contain the answers to these questions. Yes, this is your chance to find out my true and innermost secrets. Good luck.

P.P.S. I have nothing against fat people.....well, not all of them.