Earth Day Special

We interrupt our usual program to bring you some hot material. We have just received the news that a conflict between God and the people of Earth has risen a few moments ago. As we all know, 27th of March of every year is the international Day of The Earth. On this day, at 20:30 EET, all people are "welcomed" to turn off the lights in their home as to somehow help the Earth in becoming stronger and to make Captain Planet real.

This evening is no exception, and milions and milions of Romanians and billions of people worldwide campaigned for other people (that somehow don't include these milions of people who campaigned in the first place) to take action. But something will happen in a few minutes, something that will upset the natural balance of the eternal battle between light and darkness, life and death, beauty and ugliness, gorgonzola and mozzarella.

Do not try to adjust your monitor (and close that porn window, will ya? this is some serious shit, right here), this is the Twilight Zone. 

We have our reporter at the site of the conflict who will explain to us what happened, how did it happen and especially what can we do to keep it happening. 张非?

"Thank you, Bob. As we all know God is the creator of everything, as most modern religions state, title that lets him do whatever he wants and thus grant him the title of douche-bag. Besides making bets with the Devil and killing people as a result to that, and then doing Jedi mind-tricks on all the others, God has a special 'recipe for disaster' which consists of him constantly changing the natural order of things and fucking with the weather. Thanks to him, Charlie, our local weatherman had to be sent to the Sanatorium for wearing a bowling pin as an extension to his coccis and saying that he invented James Bond's punchlines. So anyway, last night at 20:30 (Earth Hour) God went to the bathroom in order to take a leak and somehow landed with the face in a very conveniently positioned pie. Apple pie. Getting all angry, he suddenly said 'let there be light!' exactly like he did 4.5 billion years ago (or 6000 years, for the amnesiacs) in order to see things better. But to no avail. The light didn't come, apparently being stopped by the police for speeding. Yes, the human police stopped the light and ticketed it for speeding because it was Earth Hour anyhow and it should have stayed with the kids home. God got even angrier and swore his revenge, stating that he would have seen the pie in front of him if (and I quote) 'it weren't for these meddling kids!' What we're having here is an international crysis: angels fighting against lawyers, demons playing rugby with pop tarts. A serious thing, a serious war. Oh, the humanity!"

Thank you 张非, it seems that we really do have a situation here. We now have a guest in our studio, the famous Dr. Sly Stallonovich, member of a secret organization that controls the World from the shadows, who will talk to us about the Earth Hour, and the importance of it for our lives and especially Earth's life. Dr. Sly, if you please:

"Turning off the lights didn't change shit."

And they really didn't, as one angry viewer tells us:

"Turning off the lights to help the Earth?! What the fuck are you babbling about, you peanutbutter-based lifeforms?! In case you didn't notice, you have up to ten lights in your house, or something like that. Presuming that you live in a flat with four rooms (most of you don't even have that many rooms) and you're currently sitting in one room and watching the TV, chances are that the lights in the other rooms are already turned off because you don't use them and you're also scared by the fucking gigantic electricity bills you have to pay anyway. Oh, and as a matter of fact: don't you turn off the lights while sleeping? Do you keep them all on every night? Who the fuck do you think you are? Bill Gates? Most people sleep with the lights turned off, and since most people sleep in general for seven or eight hours a night, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT OF THE YEAR, that means that people usually turn off all of the lights for seven (7) or eight (8) hours a night, every day. So one hour of turned off lights only on the 27th of March doesn't really make those 7-8 hours of turned off lights tremble with fear. And there's something telling me that during daytime you also keep them turned off. Hey, you want an idea on how to help the Earth? Go and throw out the rubbish and put it exactly where you should. And speaking of electricity, how about turning off the lights AND unpluging all of your electric appliances? Yes, including the fridge.

This is a fridge. It uses electricity.

Welcome to Earth. 

Hopefully your stay here will be short.

And since most of you people do not use those Class A refrigerators which considerably save electricity, but old ones that you most probably bought when the wheel was a luxury, you might as well unplug them, with anything else that uses electricity and lies in your sorry excuse for a house. You know, even if you turn off the TV, laptop, pc or whatever, it still uses electricity if it's connected to the socket. And according to scientists, they do use more electricity rather than one (or even five) fucking lightbulb! Oh, and if this doesn't work for you, keep in mind that every day there are milions of people in this World that don't even have lightbulbs in their homes, still relying on candles. So technically their sparing electricity for you, every single day. "

There you have it folks, two people that do know they're sh...hang on a bit, this has just came in. We have an official statistic that shows us the people who turned of the lights on the date of 27 March....hold on, yes, here it is:

• 75% people turned off the lights wanting to have sex

                             45% of these people turned off the light because their partner was (we quote) "beaten with an ugly stick" and unbearable to look at

• 12% people turned off the lights thanks to various external factors such as: blackouts, poltergeists, mother-in-laws knocking at their front door, curiosity of how does the switch work, pranks, death, surprise parties, breaking the lightbulbs, reliving the past supposed 3756 or so Armageddons, wanting to see how a blind man sees the world, being blind anyway, etc.
• 10% people turned off the lights because they heard everybody does it anyway
• 3% people turned off the lights because they genuinely thought this would help

Unfortunately, these very mistakes are the things that define us as human beings. Upsetting God is an easy thing to do, I mean, look at the jews in The Old Testament, all they wanted was to see what did the Covenant contain. It could had been a stripper, you never know.

Hold on, something's coming from the other line. Yes 张非?

                   

"As it turns out, spirits have calmed down in the last few hours: lawyers won the war against the angels, since the angels didn't manage to prove their own existence. This epic war's story will soon be told in the new (and surprisingly, eigth) Harry Potter novel called 'Harry Potter and The Epic War He Didn't Take Any Part In' which already smells like a bestseller: onions and fetta cheese. The God team used a mix of allies, consisting of Darth Vader, indian hits and broccoli cupcakes against the Human team who used an interesting mix of Sean Paul's 'Temperature', Malcolm XXX and fucked up Japanese comic strips.

One noticeable event was that of the battle between Vader who tried to stop the people from planting a flag (for no apparent reason). At first, he did not have any results by using the Force, but eventually used kind words and explained to them that by planting the flag, they'll hurt Mother Earth's skin, giving her rashes and that's totally not nice.

Malcolm XXX is a special agent on the Human team who fought bravely against the harp playing Cherubs and as a result gained the status of XXX and the right to modify any James Bond quote he wishes.

Malcolm XXX knows no fear.

The "Temperature" song by Sean Paul also did a great deal of damage especially to the demons, for they couldn't believe their ears, knowing that their notion of evil against the level of evil this song shows is somehow equivalent to a two-year old that knows Kung Fu compared to a relatively agile fat woman that wants to rape and have you for dinner.

The Japanese tried to bring the level of "fucked-up"-ness to....well, a whole new level (fit for the XXIst Century) and eventually managed to do so by morphing one of their best known animes into the mother of all things that-shouldn't-had found-their-way-out-into-the-world:

Uhm...Pika-pika...

It turns out that by the end of this special news bulletin, the war has already finished with the God team winning and taking all the spoils. What a truly marvelous happening! Bob."

Yes 张非, truly marvelous. We also asked the Earth and several other troubled people "Did the turned off lights help you out?" while 张非 was giving us news from the battlefield:

Earth: "How about not spilling any oil in the ocean instead of playing with the God damn switches?!"

Russian peasant: "What the fuck is electricity?"

6-year old child dying of hunger: "Could you spare some food?"

There you have it folks, the naked truth. Thank you for tuning in on this special news bulletin, and remember: "if you have an idea with milions of followers, then it's a stupid idea".