Spaced out

Don't forget your towel.

Captain's log. Stardate 455601.

It's been two months now since we left the Earth towards new and unexplored galaxies and planets. The official reason is that of exploring other star systems and even the search of other intelligent life forms, but I'm actually in it for the booty. Suffice to say that everything's running smoothly, even though today's such a boring and hot day. Actually I don't even know wether it's day or night, but judging by the star that's closing towards us, it's da...

OH SH..!

Captain's log. Supplemental. Stardate 455601.

That imbecile Scotty fell asleep on the wheel, again. It's the fourth time he's doing this and the fourth time he's driving. How can someone be so careless and reckless without even thinking of other people's lives? It's guys like him that run over other innocent pedestrians back on Earth and get away with it thanks to a cute glance in their eyes. I never should have promoted him to the driver position. Come to think of it, I never should have adopted him from that dog pen.

Anyhow, this ship's a staple of modern technology and spaceship construction, even though it's not a staple of spaceship design, and every other human being (other than the ship's designers themselves) who hasn't already been struck by lightning, glaucoma, carpal tunnel syndrome, Alzheimer and terminal stage of the "axe-to-the-head" disease will definitely agree with me that you won't be able to impress (or intimidate, for that matter) any extraterrestrial life form if your own ship looks like a potato.

The little spots are the gun turrets.

Although ugly, this is one of the most advanced spaceships ever to come out of the Earth's atmosphere without exploding. Our scientists first tried to implement a "black hole Hawking radiation" propulsion system into the ship. Which means that a parabolic reflector would reflect Hawking radiation from an artificial black hole, thus making the ship travel slower than the speed of light, but hey, we're in no hurry. People said they couldn't do it, that they couldn't make it possible...and the people were right. Thanks to quantum physics and its constant surprises, scientists still haven't managed to build this kind of propulsion system.

But hey, who needs a ship who runs on blackhole Hawking radiation when you have a warp drive? Or as it's commonly known (only by scientists, which actually doesn't make it that common): Alcubierre drive. Yes, this is everybody's propulsion system of choice! Remember when you were a kid and wanted to travel to Tatooine to kick Jabba the Hutt's ass, but never could because of the ancient fossil fuel propulsion systems on Earth? Remember how awesome you thought a warp drive would be? Well, multiply it by 1000. That's why I love my job. 

The image I'm about to show you demonstrates the very concept of an Alcubierre drive:

This sad excuse for an artistic image shows how that central region is propelled thanks to the contracting and expanding of the other opposing regions. Or as Alcubierre simply put it in the particular form he studied:

Which is quite simple. All you have to understand from this is that we're rolling with such a high speed that the last time we passed by Rigil Kentaurus (commonly known as Alpha Centauri), we kindly promoted its planets from spherical planets to doughnut-shaped asteroids. Soon enough, Superman handed his cape to the authorities and applied for the position of janitor out of pure shame.

Warp drive - budget edition.

Captain's Log. Stardate 455654. 

I'm still trying to figure out the significance of the numbers next to "stardate", I know one thing though: I feel cool when using them, so I don't feel like quitting soon enough. 

We've had another Xenomorph raid this morning; they were searching for some milk and sugar. Well, they found both the milk and sugar. And took it all. Together with the only black man (or african-american, for sensible souls) and the only blonde on this spaceship. We only took the black dude as a member of the crew because our superiors said we should be politically correct, as for the blonde chick....she got stuck in the ventilation shaft when we first took off. We only found her because she was screaming something about "recording the current episode of Desperate Housewives". 

Anyhow, I said to myself: "I shall have this no more!" so I started training in the ancient art of kung fu just like Neo did. 

Except that I downloaded the wrong program into my mind. I mean, instead of downloading some cool "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" styles of fighting, I downloaded a bunch of spanish soap opera episodes and the Macarena videoclip. Thus, for several hours I kept turning my head in a dramatic manner.

Also, I noticed that I started talking in Spanish almost instantly for absolutely no reason. It was kind of difficult to let my crew members know my thoughts and ideas while screaming "Feliz Navidad!" every two seconds.

Todavía se está manifestando. Definitivamente tengo que hacer algo al respecto. O bien, empiezo a sentir como un inmigrante ilegal.

Captain's log. Supplemental. Stardate 455654.

Eventually, I got rid of that sinful information, giving it in exchange for some bestiality porn and some chapters of Kama Sutra - Zero Gravity Space Edition. So I decided to teach myself how to fight the classic and ancient way: by watching a training film, studying the moves shown there and trying them against a worthy adversary.

And so I did, against our very own protocol droid who's more skilled in making sandwiches than wielding a knife. I have to admit that I never could have guessed before this fight that I can be folded so easily. Also, the mere fact that I eventually fitted into a 30-centimeter box was so flabbergasting that I ripped the whole space-time continuum with my screams. Of joy, nonetheless.

Captain's log. Stardate 567893.

I just received some news from Earth. A group of scientists have finally discovered what causes the elusive Sprite lightning. Although lots of scientists tried to explain the causes of a Sprite, none were as succesful as this particular group. It turns out that while flying into the upper atmosphere, a legendary Thunderbird can release gasses so powerful (thanks to its bean-rich nutrition) during its flight that it can literally spark a certain number of such lightnings. This solution comes as a great shock to all the other scientists, seeing that nobody had ever expected, until three days ago, that the Thunderbird exists and that beans could grow so high in the Earth's atmosphere.

"Beans" is for danger.

This afternoon we also came across one of the biggest stars in the known Universe (which is almost 10% of the actual, hypothetical, size of the Universe): VY Canis Majoris a.k.a. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKit'sbig". Yes, people, this one is big. Really big. Incredibly big. What's your definition of "big"? Well, multiply it by 1000.000.000 and you'll probably grasp the concept of "huge". Let me help you out a bit:

Yes, that speck of dust that you see over there is our Sun. Well, ain't that a bitch?

If you still can't process the imensity and the ballsiness of VY Canis Majoris, let me help you out a bit more:

Simply put, if anybody had his balls the size of VY Canis Majoris, he could be crowned as the Grand and Supreme Ruler of The Universe without ever being overthrown. Obviously, this star WILL eventually die, by a hypernova. Which is only the greatest explosion you'll ever see, immediately putting all the Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Tunguska and Brainiac explosions (altogether) to shame.

Also, did you know that if you would have a big enough bathtub full of water and put Jupiter in it, the planet would simply float on the water's surface? That's thanks to Jupiter's extremely low density.

 Right now, Jupiter's giving you the finger.

Especially if you're a girl.

However, if you think that Jupiter is the biggest asshole in this whole Universe, then you should probably choose another species, something like a monkey or ferret. Because you obviously don't deserve a brain that big. Introducing the blackhole. Of course, everybody has heard about the blackhole in their lifetime. Blackholes are real motherfuckers that don't care about anything in the world and their sole purpose is to attract objects that happen to pass by and destroy them. Now, should the blackhole be a wife, the power would be multiplied by 1.000.000.

The blackhole's one of the greatest mysteries in the Universe and contrary to popular belief, a blackhole isn't actually a "hole". It's a spherical space body that simply has its gravity field sooooooo powerful that it can even absorb light. With the power of Ninja! Just like those sad human beings that still live with their parents and waste their money. It is sometimes formed after a star explodes into a supernova, and I say "sometimes" because most of the times, after a supernova, the Neutron Star is born instead of a blackhole.

This is a simple diagram that even an amoeba could understand. Hope you have no difficulties with it. That "sheet of paper" is the Universe, the space-time continuum. As you can see, the Sun does slightly distort the space-time continuum, although not dramatically. Every object that gets close to it, is captured and doomed to spin around the Sun forever!

In the white dwarf's case...well, let me put it this way: do you remember those days when you were just hitting puberty and you suddenly felt like interacting with the opposite sex? It was the first time you liked a girl or a boy and you were writing some sad excuses for love poems, trying to get her or his attention,. All that energy put in just to fail, in the end. Well, the white dwarf has nothing to do with it. Things are almost the same with the Sun's case except that the white dwarf is a "heavy" motherfucker.

The neutron star is one special kid. When a dying star explodes into a supernova, its core is mashed so hard into a spherical object so dense and heavy that it significantly distorts the time and space around it. And it's also really, really, really small. Try to imagine a golf ball with the weight of a sky-scraper and you got the picture.

Now the blackhole, as you see, is ruthless as Hell. It distorts the space and time around it so much, that...well, you can only hope your Will is safe and sound back on Earth. How would a blackhole look like?

Just minutes before you die.

Should you get sucked in a blackhole, there's nothing much to do but relax and think about what was going through your mind when you decided to buy this travel pack. Once you reach a blackhole's singularity, every particle in your body will be mashed and scrambled and for the first time in your life you'll finally be hot. Literally. 

The only people that would benefit from a blackhole will be KFC. Nobody will be able to cook chicken faster than this. You simply throw a chicken into the "Blackhole Oven 3000" and hopefully it will get out  in the "WhiteHole Oven 2000" next to it. For, indeed, it is believed that white holes also exist, which have the role of expelling the matter that has previously been sucked in by any other blackhole. Technically it closely resembles a wormhole system.

Captain's log. Stardate 5432...ah, you know what? Fuck it! 

So we've finally been contacted by intelligent alien life forms! It is a glorious day for humanity and I'm glad of taking part in it. Contrary to your beliefs, these certain aliens don't really resemble the little grey men from the popular culture. The closest you can get to picturing the ones we're currently talking to is reminding yourself  how teachers generally see school/high-school/college/etc. students.

Apparently this makes them a totally boring life form, that is unable to party, not to mention having sex. We'll eject them as soon as possible.

 As it turns out, they found us before we found them. Like any normal human being that has any idea of the SETI program's trials to contact any intelligent alien life form, I initially thought that they found us thanks to the Earth scientists (Carl Sagan, especially) and their Arecibo message and Pioneer plaque. But they didn't. Apparently, those messages were kind of boring to these creatures so full of joy and love of life and they didn't pay that much attention to them.

Colours were not included. 

But they did found us thanks to this guy:

Yes, that's a wooden leg.

He's that cool. 

Joe Davis is a brilliant scientist (as he likes to call himself) and an utterly fucked-up mad scientist (as the whole World likes to call him). He wasn't really happy with the Arecibo message and the Pioneer plaque sent into space by Carl Sagan & Co, because he felt them to be too...sexist. Translated into a more friendly language, this means he was rather offended by the lack of female genitalia in those messages.

Yes, he was pissed because we didn't send the aliens pictures of human females' vaginas. So he rounded up the Boston Ballet, inserted microphones into their vaginas, recorded the sounds made by those contracting vaginas and shot them into outer.fucking.space. Towards the Tau Ceti star and Epsilon Eridani.

Thus, he became the first man to transmit the sound of contracting vagina into space. Suck on this, Picard!

Captain's log. Supplemental. Stardate hmfhfmffmffI'mnevergoingtodrinkagain....

After having a few beers with these Xenobrains (as we like to call them), we've noticed that we have pretty much in common: both species have a fetish for feet and want peace in the world. We even found a solution to end wars on Earth in a manner so effective, it's completely foolproof.

Eventually we had to leave those sorry bastards behind and search for other, more interesting alien life forms. Space, the final frontier.

Lol.