Because I can.

Iată vin colindători...

2011-12-28T21:52:00.001+02:00

Reacția mea când Ei sună la ușă.

Și uite-mă din nou prins într-o sângeroasă luptă pe gheaţă şi pe mate (mi s-a spus ca ar trebui să evit expresiile macabre în perioada asta)cu aceşti paraziți ai sărbătorilor de iarnă, colindătorii!

Bineînţeles, din reflex (vă asigur), o să îmispuneţi: „Dar ce ai cu ei? Sunt frumoase colindele.” Din punct de vedere panteonic, colindătoriitipici de la oraş sunt diferiţi de ăia din filmele americane, de ăia carecolindă în cor prin diverse instituţii sau de ăia îmbrăcaţi în straie populare.De aceea, când zic „colindători”, mă refer strict la ăştia de la oraş (pentrucă la mine nu au venit niciodată d-ăia din prima categorie, ci d-ăştialalţi). Şi bineînţeles, când vezi două musculiţe ce arată diferit, le zici "musculiţă", nu drosophila megalonaster uneia şi sarcophagidae alteia. De asemenea,cuvântul „panteonic” e pus acolo în propoziţie doar fiindcă sună mişto.

Să fie clar, nu mă refer la ăștia.

E destul de uşor să fii păcălit de aparenţe. Ei sună lauşă, par inofensivi, te întreabă „primiţi cu colindul?”, iar tu (om nenorocitcu frică de dumnezeii tăi – fie că e Ronaldo, Puya sau Anda Adam) le răspunzicu zâmbetul până la urechi „primiiiim, primiiiim.” Copiii încep să cânteprimele douăsprezece silabe ale colindei cu miere în glas, de parcă tocmai auabsolvit Academia lui Fuego de Cântece și Glasuri Ultra-Dulci Învelite cu Siropde Arţar (AFCGUDÎSA, pentru a uşura pronunţia), după care uită ca prin minune de toată conotația asta sfântă a colindelor (și nici măcar nu sunt atei sau „sataniști”) și...se transformă. Ce pot să vă zic este că aparent nici lor nu le surâde ideea de a cânta ce se presupunea că trebuie să cânte.

Da, atât de dezgustați sunt și ei de colindele pe care le cântă.

Pentru a vă puteaconvinge că nu vorbesc baliverne (și pentru a-mi putea păstra vizitatorii dincauza cărora mi-am dezvoltat ideea de „băăăă, ce amuzant sunt!”) am să vă dau ca exemplu chiar o transcriere a cântecului lor:

„Steaua sus răsaaareca o taină maaaare,

steaustrăluceşteşilumiivesteşteşilumiivesteşte,

căastăzicuratapreanevinovata

(primul moment în care expiră şi inspiră de cândau început „cântatul”), fecioaraMarianaştepemesia,naştepemesia
[...]
Lanuşlamulţani.”

Cuvintele scrisecu roşu sunt singurele cuvinte din tot colindul care sunt într-adevărcântate. Cuvintele cu albastru ajung ulterior nu numai să fie recitate ci chiar ţipate în încercarea de a produce un sonic boom cât mai puternic. Nu ştiu sigurdacă atunci când intră pe o scară sunt mai multe grupuri de colindători carepun pariuri pe care dintre ei reuşeşte să depăşească cel mai repede viteza sunetului cual lor cântec sau dacă pur și simplu sunt nişte puşcăriaşi evadaţi de laînchisoarea locală şi încearcă sa facă rost de bani sau mâncare într-un mod câtmai rapid ca să poată fugi liniştiţi în Cuba. Sunt chestii mult mai dubioase pe acest Pământ...

Thanks, Japan.

De fapt, am oteorie care ar putea explica acest comportament dubios al lor. Există o micăposibilitate (2%) să credeţi că sunt nebun, dar este necesar să fiţi informaţiîn privinţa a ceea ce se petrece cu adevărat în spatele acestor gesturi grăbite şi ce înţelesuri ascunse au acele cuvinte bolborosite în viteza a cincea: eucred...că aceşti colindători sunt de fapt...nişte extratereştri gri (littlegrey men) din preajma stelei Zeta Reticuli. Ei au ajuns din greşeală pe Terra şi de atunci îşi blesteamă zilele şi încercă să ajungă acasă. Au navele ascunsepeste tot în România, dar fireşte că nu oriunde ci în locuri speciale în care pot să încapă:crucea din curtea lui Gigi Becali, buzele Marinelei Niţu, mustaţa lui Prigoană,în Bahmuţeanca și Romeo Fantastick. Se miră că nici unul din noi nu şi-a datseama de acest lucru până acum, fiindcă sunt cele mai prost construite şi uşorde observat nave de la construcţia Piramidei lui Khufu încoace.

Nu, ăsta e pe bune.

Marea problemă ecă aceste nave funcţionează numai cu mâncare sau bani şi, deşi nu se poate zicecă le lipsesc aceste două elemente, nu au destul combustibil. Estimat înunităţi terrane de măsură este necesar ca energia produsă din reacţia acestordouă elemente să fie de 1.21 gigawaţi, adică o cantitate imensă de energie. Deaceea, singura perioadă în care pot găsi mâncare şi bani din abundenţă este ceadintre 23 Decembrie și 1 Ianuarie a fiecărui an. Unii încearcă fără succes săle obţină încă din prima săptămână a lui Decembrie.

Toată aceastăacţiune este cu atât mai mult îngreunată în momentul în care FBI-ul împreună cupoliţia locală decid să intervină. În acel moment începe o cursă contra cronometrupentru strângerea a cât mai multe resurse, cât mai repede. De unde şi manieragrăbită de a cânta şi versurile total neinteligibile.

Dar să presupunem că sunt totuşi oameni; în acest caz nu ai cum să nu simţi (pe măsură ce ei „cântă”) cumsufletul îţi părăseşte uşor trupul, sperând că o să plutească într-un loc încare singurele acorduri neplăcute care se pot auzi nu se aud deloc. Probabil că amintervenit deja prea târziu pentru unii, având în vedere că a trecut Crăciunul, dar mulţi dintre voi încă mai puteţi fi salvaţi. Înarmaţi-vă cunişte boxe mari, cel mai nou album al trupei preferate de black-suicidal-metal şi nu îi lăsaţi să vă ia sufletul!

Lerul. Mit sau realitate?

2011-11-30T09:19:00.001+02:00

El nu are nici o treabă cu articolul.

Mai misterios decât cinci tipe care se duc împreună la baie, mai persistent în cultura românească decât cele mai frecvente 99 de pete și cu o pronunție mai ușoară decât cuvântul hidropneumotorax, Lerul este una din cele mai enigmatice prezențe din țară de când romanii au ajuns în spațiul carpato-danubiano-pontic. Dacă scoțienii îl au pe Nessie, puertoricanii pe Chupacabra și americanii pe Ronald McDonald, noi putem să ne mândrim cu multă fală (întotdeauna mi s-a părut dubios cuvântul ăsta) cu această entitate mitică și misterioasă numită Ler.

Un Ler, surprins de investigatori,

ascultând chemarea lui Hrușcă

La fel ca şi herpesul dobândit în timpul unei petreceri, Lerul nu are nici o origine clară: nu se ştie de unde vine şi nu se ştie ce vrea. Dar ne putem da seama cu destul de mare acuratețe că este fratele Linului, cu care și împarte trei caracteristici definitorii:

”Lerui-i Ler și iarăși Ler.”

1. Prima caracteristică: Lerul este cel mai sigur lucru din Univers.

Lumina ocolește o gaură neagră când trece pe lângă ea, e posibil chiar să încetinească un pic, însă cu Lerul stă altfel treaba: Leru-i Ler. Dacă Lerul ar fi în locul luminii, ar trece prin gaura neagră și i-ar și spune ceva de mamă. Atât de sigur este pe el. De fapt, Lerul este singurul lucru sigur și constant din tot Universul. Și dacă tot nu ești convins(ă), Leru-i iarăși Ler, adică încă o dată pe atâta Lerime, fiindcă un Ler nu vine niciodată singur.

Poți să și folosești conceptul de Ler într-o discuție pentru a demonstra imensitatea siguranței tale:

A: ”Ești sigură că apa oxigenată este potabilă?”

B: ”Cum nu? Leru-i Ler? Este. Ai încredere. Are puțin mai mult oxigen decât apa normală, nu poate să strice.”

2. A doua caracteristică este aceea că Lerul formează modelul perfect de definiție eliptică.

Dacă Lerul e Ler, asta înseamnă că și Lerul din urmă este tot Ler. O definiție mai eliptică decât orbita lui Neptun în jurul Soarelui, afirmă că A=B, deci B=A, fiindcă A e aceeași chestie ca și B, adică până la urmă A=A. Ați înțeles? Acest model de definiție poate fi preluat cu succes de cei cărora le e lene să vorbească (mie) și folosit drept tactică de agățat.

Tipa: „Tu cine ești?”
Eu: „Eu sunt eu.”
Tipa (în gând): „Wow, tipul ăsta e foarte profund. O fi la filozofie?”

[Also, dacă ați răspuns vreodata cu 0 la 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1-1+1+1x0, sunteți fraieri și prea comozi. QED.]

3. A treia caracteristică este...ăăă.....

Repede! O diversiune!

După cum am menționat mai sus, Lerul nu are o origine clară. Nu se știe decât că a ajuns pe Pământ din vremuri imemoriabile ale istoriei și că a început să fie mediatizat de Marele Profet Hrușcă (cum e cunoscut în cercurile oculte) pe la începutul anilor '90. Se spune că dacă cineva ar descoperi ce este de fapt Lerul, ar dobândi instant puterea de a-i face pe studenții de la teologie și pe preoți să nu mai vină la colindat din prima săptămână a lui Decembrie. De asemenea, ar mai dobândi miraculoasa putere de a-i face pe toți puștii care „colindă” în Ajun de Crăciun, de Crăciun, în Ajun de Anul Nou și de Anul Nou să nu mai cânte ca și cum ar fi niște delicvenți pe fugă care au învățat versurile cu două secunde înainte să sune la ușă. Într-adevăr acel om ar fi acoperit cu aur și multe semințe de Floarea-Soarelui.

Dar noi, muritorii de rând, putem să îi întâmpinăm deschizând ușa și spunând:

"Tocmai tăiam porcu'..."

Din păcate astfel de supraom nu are să apară prea curând, deoarece de când și-a început activitatea, Hrușcă este preocupat cu răspândirea certitudinii că Lerul este fără îndoială Ler. Indubitabil. Însă acesta mai are ca subiecte în cântece și Crăciunul, zăpada, Lerul, Linul, Lerul, Linul, Raza Soarelui (care, paradoxal, e în același timp și Floarea-Soarelui), Lerul, Linul, Lerul și Lerul.

După cum vedeți, abundența destul de mare de Ler pare a fi o rețetă sigură pentru câștigarea inimii publicului. Cu toate acestea, odată cu trecerea vremii, au apărut alți profeți mincinoși, dintre care cel mai notabil este cel supranumit Fuego (care înseamnă „lăsați mamele și bătrânicile să vină la mine” în vietnameză). Acest Fuego are ca îndeletniciri principale brazii, împodobirea lor, mamele și mai ales mamele care împodobesc brazii. Un soi de control-freak, acest Fuego ține an de an să amintească tuturor mamelor din România să împodobească brazii și să se uite la ele zâmbind în timp ce ele fac acest lucru.

„Îmi plac brazii.”

Mamele cad ușor pradă acestui îndemn datorită vocii de siren pe care Fuego o posedă. O voce de siren care din păcate are și efecte adverse, astfel impulsul incontrolabil de a împodobi brazi (chiar cu două - trei săptămâni înainte de Crăciun) este un semn clar al bolii numite Fuegocitoză.

Ca remediu se recomandă două - trei ore de depressive-suicidal-black metal pe zi, până trece afecțiunea.

Sau orice urmă de afectivitate și sentiment uman, în cazul ăsta.

Cu toate acestea și Lerul are părțile lui întunecate: ingerarea unei cantități însemnate de Ler poate duce la boala numită Leringită. În stadiile avansate (deci grave) un bolnav de Leringită se poate arunca de pe un bloc strigând chestii absurde precum „42”, „Să luați ibricul de pe foc” sau (în cazurile cele mai grave, când omul este deja într-o stare de confuzie avansată) „Există evoluție!”.

Ca remediu, se recomandă două albume de Fuego pe zi.

Îi plac brazii.

În concluzie, Lerul este. Nu îl vezi, nu îl poți mirosi, dar îl simți în fiecare dimineață gâdilându-ți tălpile. Câteodată, cei aleși îl văd în uși, în sandwich-uri cu brânză sau în felii de pâine prăjită. Cu toate acestea, este un cuvânt extrem de puternic (la fel ca „sex”, „șuncă” pentru bărbați, „reducere” pentru femei, „ateu” pentru religioși, etc.) ce trebuie rostit cu mare grijă. Efectele pot fi extrem de nefaste folosite în contextul nepotrivit și chiar pot (după cum am văzut mai sus) da dependență.

Dar ca să încheiem post-ul pe o notă mai optimistă, I'm back. Și plănuiesc să rămân prin zonă, mai ales că trebuie să-mi exersez skill-urile.

Numai să am despre ce să scriu.

To evolve or not to evolve.

2011-02-10T12:54:00.004+02:00

It works, bitches.

We'll start this post with a challenge: namely, I challenge you to open your TV/window or go to the nearest bus/tram/subway/square. I'll bet you my beautiful peach scented bottom that there's 99% chance you'll hear some asshole complaining about how the leaders of the country fuck everything up, how their jobs suck and how they would change the World should they be given a chance.

Naturally, that person's responsibility is just like a mother that suddenly decided to breastfeed her one and only newborn baby in the middle of a battlefield overrun by nazis during World War II. It's that bad.

How come? They're picking flowers.

Thanks to people like that certain asshole, we have one of the greatest jobs in the world become one of the worst jobs and the last job anyone would like to have when trapped in a village full of beautiful women. No, I'm not talking about the dentist job (although it's close enough),

I'm talking about being a scientist.

"At last!
A cure for the common Dramatic exclamation disease!"

Yes, I'm actually saying that being a scientist sucks and drains your youth away. I mean, look at this picture (and any other scientist pics, for that matter): have you ever seen a scientist that has any hair colour other than white? No! Because their youth is no more. You're probably asking yourself right now: "Can I pick my nose? Hope nobody's watching." and on a more related note "What the hell are you talking about?" and think of how nice it is to be a scientist: your have your own groupies, you're permanently respected by other scientists and must have heaps of cash as a result of your life-saving research. I mean...Albert Einstein was respected and he also was a ladies man. How could this go wrong?

"Jah does no throw dice, mon."

Well, unfortunately, if you're a scientist and want to help humanity, rest assured that there will inevitably be an asshole to contradict you and brutally stab all your dreams of helping this thing called "humanity". Make no mistake my fine fellows, I'm not talking about scientist-on-scientist action...that asshole I was talking about isn't a scientist and he doesn't even know the difference between H2O and water. The asshole I'm talking about is your everyday redneck, reader of the fine tabloids Libertatea, Can-Can, Click! (or The Sun, Blitz, Khabrain...if you want to go international), (possible) churchgoer and more gullible than a kid being tricked into submission by a pedophile with some candy.

This was a horrible joke that even

Charles Manson would find disturbing.

Here's a picture of a bunny.

Fortunately, and I'm still talking about THAT asshole, he won't be alone and will always be followed by some other assholes that wish to destroy every single ray of hope that lies within you. They have no special reason for this, they're not looking for revenge, they don't even want your money....they just think they know better.

I know you're probably saying to yourself "Ok, Doppelgänger, we know you're a bright young man (and a 99% chance of being beautiful) who's always right, but what do you mean? Do you have any real life examples?".

Well, sure as Hell I do! Take this link as an example. Somewhere in the USA (hint: PHILLY) people started turning against the doctors and the whole scientific world for that matter, because......well, god knows why, I haven't the slightest idea! Some of the possible reasons for this stupid stupid decision of the free people are revealed in these two videos by Penn Jilette and Teller in their tv show Penn & Teller's Bullshit!. Be sure to watch them both because.......fuck, people are so stupid. Go on...I assure you the rest of the post won't disappear.

Ok, I will not comment further on this, since Penn & Teller made a pretty good case. Though, I do have a humble request: would you fucking people stop with all this "corporations are evil" shit?! Surely, they're all hellbent on acquiring as much money as they can as soon as possible, but what the heck? We all kind of need money and it's a darwinistic race for survival, and besides: not all corporations are called Apple!

Being a scientist is a pretty crappy job, now that you look at it. I mean, you strive to do the best you can for the whole humanity and all they do to repay you is get all paranoid and try to destroy your creations/discoveries.

Because, what has science ever done for us?

"Excuse me, could you get that light bulb out of the way?

We're trying to see a worthy example of the benefits of science."

And now we reach the apex of my post, the moment I (and we all) have been waiting for: let's take on the creationists! Now, what really got me started against this wonderful species that some say it's a relative to the Homo Sapiens Sapiens is this:

Oh...k....what's this? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's a sticker that was attached to every biology book's inside cover from Cobb County. Hang on, we're just getting started. As any good reporter would do, we have to check the source of this material, first of all. Where did it come from? Cobb County....now where the Hell is that?

Wait a minute....Atlanta? That's in....Oh, for fuck's sake America! See? This is the problem when you're the most powerful country in the world: all eyes are on you and the only ones who really get mentioned in the international news are the rednecks...the word "justice" cannot be found anywhere in Life's dictionary.

So these wonderful people that happen to be creationists got sick and tired of science ruling the world, since all that science ever brought were wars, diseases and selfishness. Now...what was the name of that institution that ruled the Dark Ages and prevented further technological and cultural progress?

So what they're basically trying to tell us by using their only neuron left that's struggling to get out is that evolutionism can't possibly be a fact, because it is called a theory, I mean even scientists call it a theory! Ha, what do you say to that, evolutionists?! Thank good ol' Jehovah ("J is I in latin!") there are people like you creationists to deconspire all that misinformation the scientists shove down our throats! Bravo!

You just won yourselves a bucket full of sand.

Go build a sandcastle or something.

I mean, it figures scientists would want to misinform humanity: so they'd conquer the whole world. What? Haven't you seen the movies? Shit like that always happens. The theory of evolution is just a theory, there is no evidence to support it, since it's just a theory, a hunch, a wild stab in the dark.

Let's take a short trip to our one and only true friend The Macmillan Online Dictionary and see what he has to say about all this "theory" stuff:

[uncountable] the set of general principles that a particular subject is based on.

the theory and practice of education psychoanalytic/Marxist/literary theory.

[countable] an idea that you believe is true although you have no proof.

theory about: I have my own theory about why he resigned.
theory that: There is a theory that her death was an accident.

Thus, it suddenly hit me right in the cecum: so those little bastards think scientists use the countable type "theory"....

Dear creationists, trust me, scientists do know what the hell's going on with the world. They kind of do this for a living. And just for the record, mind you assholes that I also believe in lots of things such as ghosts and stuff, but I'm a skeptic also and if science can explain it I tend to stick to it because....you know....science worked until now.

Oh, did I tell you that they're currently working on introducing creationism as a science in schools? Because fuck you, that's why. Yep, they're trying to teach the children stuff like the "fact" that the Earth and all its creatures were created 6000 years ago by a powerful wizard. Well....ain't that a bitch? So how would a "creationism science" (what an oxyMORON) class would go as opposed to a science physics class?

Too bad god's also a jealous douchebag sometimes.

Let's take another example, right from the Bible. Now, I admit that this argument isn't entirely mine, it was first formulated by Leo Taxil in his wonderfully ironic (he wasn't a hipster) book: "The Amusing Bible". Let us remember a cute little story:

So the flood came, it was raining and raining and raining. And then shit got drowned, every little spot on Earth was being covered with large amounts of water. Only Noah and his family survived and along with the others animals had the sole purpose of spreading once more the human species. Incest? Sounds delightful, but the Bible itself states that "Oh no! Fuck no!". Heh, everything for saving the world and shit. Going on....we find out that after 40 days or something (it is irrelevant) Noah sent a crow to find out if there's any piece of land out of the water. The motherfuckin' crow didn't return (probably finding a whole 300 square kilometres of land right behind Noah's ark) so Noah sent a pigeon. After several days the pigeon returned with an olive branch in its beak, thus proving that as dumb as they generally are, the pigeons are pure....because they're white. So they finally found the first and only piece of land that came out of that large body of water, and as the Bible tells us, it was Mount Ararat.

Now, Mount Ararat is a high mountain (actually a volcano), who has two peaks: Greater Ararat - 5,137 m and Lesser Ararat - 3,896 m. So, obviously, he must have landed on the Greater Ararat, since it was the only piece of land available at that land and thus the highest piece of la.........hey! Wait a minute! What about the Himalayan Mountains?!?! There are over a hundred mountains in the Himalayan Mountains that are over 7,200 m!!! And not to mention, this list of other 59 fuckin' mountains in that area that are over 5,137 m high! What? Did they just piss themselves out of fear? Did they just want to play a practical joke on Noah? If the Earth was indeed created 6000 years ago.....actually it doesn't even matter: Mount Ararat is like that kid in school who always gets bullied by the Himalaya brothers! Mount Ararat couldn't have possibly came out of the water before the other higher mountains. What? Weren't they fully formed yet? Even if we foolishly accept this explanation, that none of those 59 mountains were taller than Mount Ararat at that time, how could they grow 2000-3000 m in only 10.000 years?! It usually takes millions of years for this to happen.

The most common counterargument from the creationists is: "Well, surely, not all of the Bible is a fact. Some of it is a big metaphor. It was written by different people and some things might even contradict themselves."

Ok, listen up, you sons of bitches: when Darwin wrote "On the Tendency of Species to form Varieties; and on the Perpetuation of Varieties and Species by Natural Means of Selection", he didn't go on a hunch. He painstakingly researched every little thing written in that book and verified it before publishing it. Because that's how science works, bitches.

Now, how the fuck can someone teach "creationism science" alongside real science when the first one's sole argument to its validity is "well, it's written in the Bible....and God said so"?

Presuming that you haven't been living underground for the first part of your life, you've probably heard about those dreaded and terrifying atheists. They're satanists! Because they don't believe in God! Now, how the Hell does this work? How can you believe in adding, but not subtracting? How the fuck can you believe in the North Pole of a magnet, but not the South Pole? Meh, it doesn't really matter....they don't believe in God, the Communist Bible says that if you're not with God you're against him and you're are an idiot!

You see, I'm no atheist. Just because. However, I'm on their side because.....you know....science works.

So the crucial question begs to be asked: how the Hell can you have faith in a fairy book that's been written an modified by hundreds of people for 2000 years but not in science that helped us live longer, gave us a better health, culture, pickles, rhinoplasty, Mentos + Cola and the very computer you're writing from and the very internet that you use to read this? Honestly now, are some people really born that stupid or do they have to try very hard and pass an exam to become so stupid? Is it a vital goal in their lives?

As a conclusion, creationism is bad....because it reverts you to an amoeba like stage, and that would be such a pity, since you've come a long way. How can they still think that the Earth was created 6000 years ago? What about all those then thousand - million year old fossils? Creationists, what is your final argument?

"God just put them there to test our faith."

New Year Resolutions

2010-12-30T17:39:00.001+02:00

If you're a kid, I've just pulverized your happy and innocent childhood.

A New Year is at hand and.....Holy Shit, I can't believe I'm posting such a thing, but....what the Hell...so, as I said, a new year is at hand and it's time to draw the line and see what and how many achievements you have in 2010.

I would post my achievements, but they're written in traditional chinese characters and you wouldn't know how to read and definitely not understand them.

So I was talking about some New Year's Resolutions, right? Surely, I'm not going to talk about MY New Year Resolutions (although they'd really be more interesting than the following, here's an excerpt: "enlarge my Magic The Gathering cards collections by completing my Ravnica block with the decks I'm missing"), but about the New Year resolutions humanity should have. Trust me, I know best. Here they are:

stop being faggotschnitzels

And on a more related note, you could:

Stop with all this exaggerated "politically correctness" and "racism" shit, because calling a black person a "black person" doesn't mean I'm instigating to racism, neither if I call him a "nigger"...and I definitely won't call him an "african-american". If an American black person would arrive to a village in Africa, he'd freak out the moment he sets foot on the continent. The same goes for "gipsy". At their worst, words like "midget", "gipsy", "nigger" are insulting words, just like "motherfucker", "asshole", etc. People should stop believing that they're racist bastards just because they call a gipsy a "gipsy" and not a....rromani.

And I'm talking about the gipsy situation in Europe and its connection with Romania. Everybody knows they're everywhere these days and nobody likes it. The Frenchies did something that every other country should do: they kicked the gipsies out of France, so they'd stop stealing, begging and set up camp in front of the Eiffel Tower. The Romanian government (and no other government either, as a matter of fact) would never dream of kicking the gipsies out of our country because.....*gasp*.....that would be racism.

Well fuck you, you fuckers! This is racism:

Halloween for the entire family.

Kicking out gipsies out of your country for stealing, killing and not to mention ruining the beautiful gardens of Paris, is definitely not racism. Motherfucker, I don't even care what kind of race you are...you're going to get your ass kicked out of this country if you don't behave.

Not to mention that the gipsies are now known as Romani (also Romany, Romanies, Romanis, Roma or Roms) which kind of gives us Romanian people a bad name. Many foreigners think like this: "Romani.....hang on...isn't there a country in Europe that sounds similar? Romania, oh yes! So you must be the Romanians I keep hearing about! Well, Romanians should stop coming to Italy/Spain/U.K./France and stealing money from us!". Thanks to this we get situations like:

Of course, everybody was scandalised (especially the Romanians....and...actually I think only the Romanians) because everybody now thinks that "Romanian" and "Romani" are the fucking same thing. And we didn't even come from the same place. Romanians are the result of a mix between Romans and Dacians, somewhere near the Carpathian mountains, and the gipsies come from India. People's counterargument to using the "gipsy" word is that this is a derogatory term and that they call themselves "romani".....even though the Spanish call them "gitanos", the Portuguese "ciganos" since their [the gipsies] appearance in Europe, and everyone's perfectly fine with that! You don't call the Chinese "zhongguo ren" as they like to call themselves, even though by following this logic it would be very nice of us, because you'd get your fucking tongue twisted, so what the fuck's wrong with "gipsy"?

Stop being a racist cunt. It's not the Jews' fault the stock market crashed, black people are not inferior to any of us and not all the gipsies are stealing bloodthirsty creatures. Think of the Gipsy Kings (yes, they're actual gipsies and......Holy Fuck! They call themselves "Gipsy"!!!!!) and our national treasure Johnny Raducanu:

Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini were indeed powerful men, but all in all they were just some racist cunts who blamed everybody but them for their previous failures in life.

Although Hitler kind of was a ladies man.

So no: the only reason you have a lousy job and don't have enough money is that your an imbecile. No illegal immigrant will illegaly enter the country (let's say......USA?) and get your future job as a CEO in the Microsoft Company the very next day! Before he can even start to dream of doing so, he'll have to wash dishes for 20 years and learn your language. Believing such a retarded thing is just a sad excuse for you incapability of becoming what you always dreamt of.

stop being snobbish and arrogant and say "yes" to genetically modified food and "no" to organic food. I'll cover this in a future post, just think about it.
stop being so hurt when someone tells you that you've evolved from a monkey, but agree on such an affirmation like the fact that you were created from dust.
stop taking the Bible as a history book.
stop believing everything you hear
stop being an asshole
stop by McDonald's and grab me a Happy Meal
stop celebrating the Earth Day by turning out the lights for one hour and instead really try to do something to save the Earth if you are so keen on it.
stop blaming the President for every fucking bad thing that is happening to you. He's just one person, sorrounded by idiots. Including you.
stop pointing fingers on other religious cults and laughing at them for believing that they were created by aliens, even though you believe the same thing only that you were created by a powerful wizard.
stop believing that the satanists are bloodthirsty creatures who are out to get you
stop listening to modern rap and hip-hop and get ol'school.
stop being rebellious unless you really have a reason.
stop believing that you're unique by becoming a goth/hipster/metal dude/emo/etc. If there are other people dressing like you and listening to the same music, you sure as hell aren't unique.
stop praising your children for every shit they do. That's the way douchebags are created.
Stop. Hammertime.

\m/ (-_-) \m/

2010-12-04T14:36:00.006+02:00

It is done.

Reviews:

"The outstanding work of one of the greatest minds of our century."

- The New York Times -

"Now with more vinegar!"

- Jamie Oliver -

"It's an eye opener."

- Stevie Wonder -

"Wish I had a penny for everytime I read this."

- Ebeneezer Scrooge -

"It's spongeworthy."

- Elaine Benes -

"This is soooooooooo ironic....just like that obscure book I've been reading for the past three weeks or so. You've never heard of it"

- Some random hipster -

"It's something to die for."

- Death -

"The Force is strong in this one."

- Darth Vader -

"He promised me 50 bucks if I say this Oracle is great. This Oracle is great."

- Worker -

"He said something about your mother."

- Law-abiding citizen -

"This is crap."

- An ex-person -

"This is sooooooo funny!"

- Captain Obvious -

"Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times, blame it on the boogie."

- Michael Jackson -

"Yiipeeeeeeee-ka-yay, motherfuckers!"

- John McClane -

"Ok guys, cut the crap."

- Doppelgänger -

Creative Suicide

2010-12-01T14:12:00.005+02:00

"Suicide for the modern You"

Greetings, suicidal fellow! How are you?

You are probably sick of this life and want to get over with it. You're always having fights with your parents, your boyfriend/girlfriend dumped you and know he/she's with another chick/dude and on top of all that the local hypermarket is out of stock....so no chance of buying your Nesquik cereals this morning.

You might as well kill yourself....yeah, that's right! Suicide! That'll get their attention! That'll teach them! Fortunately, you're bdoulmdb enough to do this, so you're set to go. Now you need an official reason: your parents fight/are getting divorced, your lover left you (for good, this time), your parents beat the shit out of you, etc. Generally, you have to choose a reason that can be solutioned without anybody dying at all. You don't need to feel any remorse about what other people might think or feel after you kill yourself, even those who dearly loved you and will terribly miss you. It's your body, your death, why would they care? Be as selfish as you like, of course there is someone to love you in this world after all, but......meh......fuck'em.

Another thing you have to be mindful about is the "goodbye letter" in which you explain your reasons. It is important to know that after you kicked the bucket, people will be dying (haha! get it? get it?!) to know why did you do it. Of course, it serves no purpose to anyone at all, but at least you got the attention you were craving for, right? Try and make it dramatic, write down lines such as: "Mom, dad, I love you. I know you love me. I failed you and I want to make it all better. I love you all." just to make it clear that you're a selfish fucker. Alternatively, you may leave out the goodbye letter from the "suicidal to-do" list, failing to leave behind such a note will create a major clusterfuck and will give everyone headaches for weeks (especially to the ones that found you....who'll dearly wish you be grilled in a "Welcome Satan" Barbeque Party in Hell).

Now that we got that out of the way, we have to choose the way you'll cease to exist. And I say WE because you're clearly not fit to do anything, even choose your own death. I mean, honestly, soon enough you'll be pushing up daisies and you're not able to choose a dignified (???), poetic and worthy death. Let me guess, what would you have chosen?

Cutting your wrists?

Stripes are sooooo last year....

Overdose yourself on pills? You only have Vitamin C in your medicinal cabinet.

Shoot yourself? You have no bullets.

Get yourself hit by a car? Too much mess.

Jump off a building? So poetic, it's practically a cliché these days.

Blow yourself up? Neah, people will think you were a terrorist. So there goes your message....fuckin' terrorists...

Guess you'll do it the classic way: hang yourself. Wait a minute...why the hell would you hang yourself? You're not a fuckin' Christmas decoration.

These are cute. You are not.

There could be a chance if you'd hang yourself and look and sparkle like this guy:

However, the only messages you'll be spreading will be that of rejoice (for sparkling like metrosexual ken) or the spirit of Christmas (as a Christmas decoration).

Thus, we'll have to work out some new and more attractive ways of getting people's attention. Something that can make them go "wow!", "how charming!", "what a great character!" and even a "I want to have your children!". You'll need something that screams "I'm in pain" and "I'm cool" altogether. If you're one of those "I'm worthless and I'm killing myself so you can live your lives better" people, your death has to be even more entertaining. Like a celebration of some sort.

So, without further gilding the lilies let's find a death worthy of your strong-willed character and "never-a-quitter" attitude.

It is important to know that you are becoming an ex-person so other people can remember you and give you lots and lots of attention [gosh...I can't emphasise this enough]. Of course, you are a selfish bastard, but they are going to raise a golden statue for you anyhow....seeing that they are so impressed by your suicide, so you might as well help them! How, you ask? How about death through asphyxiation and overheating by coating yourself with a thick layer of golden paint? If you get lucky enough to get sold, you'll even travel the whole world.

If you're a hipster and are too ashamed of your life, because you just found out that your Ray Ban glasses are fake and you still can't "ironically" wear them, you can simply erase yourself from existence by building a sky-high tower from your iPods, iPads and other Apple products you happen to have lying around, and then let it fall on you.

Remember to take a polaroid picture of the moment.

Don't forget to preserve the irony.

While stuff like "I love you all" written with blood on the walls and you hanging in the foreground does have a great effect on people (especially for the ones who find you) and will instantly make them feel sorry for your ass, you should know that it's already becoming a cliché.

Alternately, if you're a nerd (I mean, a REAL nerd) your method of suicide can be even easier. All you have to do is watch some Star Wars porn and slowly feel how you die on the inside.

Rule 34.

If you were more like a prankster when you used to live, you can play one last prank on the soul who has the bad luck of stumbling upon you. All you need is some pickles, a sponge, a bucket and a rope. You'll supposedly commit suicide inside a room, therefore you take the rope, tie it to some two random objects that are far enough so the rope can be stretched, and then put a bucket full of water over the slightly opened door. It is important to note that it is a totally great idea to tie the rope just two or three metres before entering the room, thus the unfortunate soul (no, I'm not talking about you...stfu) will stumble on the rope, immediately be sent by the force of "stumble....essnes" towards the door, push the door and have the bucket full of water fall on his head. Naturally, at that moment he'll wish you a painful death and be very angry at you, that is until.....

*gasp*

Spoiler alert!

He finds you dead. You may kill yourself in any manner you see fit, what's really important here is the set up. He'll be angry, true, but as soon as he finds you dead, shock, fear and regret will fill his heart. If this isn't a poetic death, then I don't know what is. You also have to leave a note:

"Dear John,

Admit it, it was a very good prank. I mean, I don't know, I would've laughed my ass off if I wasn't....you know....dead and shit. This is my lifeless body, a corpse, an ex-person, I have ceased to exist, it's probably still warm, so you may touch it. I did it because I couldn't stand the pain anymore...everybody was making fun of me and Mindy didn't even know I exist. Do you think she'll pay more attention to me now, especially if I write here that she helped me do it? Of course, it would be a lie, but I'll finally get her to think of me. Oh....and just for the record: I know there will be at least one motherfucker (boy, my mom would sooooo wash my mouth with soap if she read this note) who'll bitch on a blog about the fact that I was a wimp, a weak person and not to mention totally stupid for doing this, although I'm like....16 years old and my life has just started. To those people I only have to say these things: I am a strong person! I was never a quitter and never will be! There was no other way! Stop making fun of me!

Also, I took the liberty of having a sponge (in case you manage to sweat and piss your pants out of sheer terror) and some pickles (in case you're hungry) near me. Please, after you've finished reading this, tie the rope just like it was before you stumbled on it, refill the bucket with some water (or gasoline....that would make an even greater joke!) and put it back on the slightly opened door, put the sponge back and please (I cannot stress this enough) don't eat the pickles unless you're really really really hungry. This way I can scar for life more people.

P.S. Would you mind taking care of my World of Warcraft character while I'm gone? He's a level 85 Tauren Druid but I still have some achievements to complete. Also, you have a raid to do with The Unfathomable Destroyers of The Local Plane Guild this evening at about 8 PM. I know you also have your wedding anniversary with Clarice at 8 PM, but you're probably fucked up enough for your whole life right now, so you won't mind.

P.P.S. If any girl asks, I died while saving Johnny Dep from the claws of a Sarlacc. If any girl asks what a sarlacc is, direct them to this link and tell them I pity the fools.

P.P.P.S. I'm suffering. I can't take it anymore."

And that's it. A guaranteed "we'll never forget him" line-jerker.

If you are more into the occult, you can try and summon a demon, either with the help of a medium or you being your own medium.

All you have to do is choose your very own demon from this list, try to summon him and DON'T draw any kind of protection circle. Alternatively, if you're not summoning the demon alone, some people might start bitching "have you drawn the protection circle the right way?" and ruin your suicide plan. Just look at them with a reassuring look on your face and say "yes, I did draw it the right way" (of course, you're lying). As soon as the demon has been summoned, he'll start to wreak havoc and kill you while talking in rhymes.

This is another way that will make people talk about you instantly and for long periods of time.

What I forgot to mention is the fact that you also have to be mindful of your target. Before taking this brave new step ask yourself: who do I want to remember me? The ones that are always mocking me? The girl /guy that broke my heart? The media? That teacher that gave me an F? Should I scar them for life? These are some very important questions you should ask yourself before taking the necessary step towards suicide. Sure, people might say you were an idiot and you probably deserve it anyway, sure they might use some fancy jedi-tricks and say that you had plenty of other solutions, sure they might even say that (additionally to being an idiot) you are an idiot at a gargantuan scale, but what do they know? Peasants.

Don't let them boss you around or cloud your judgement. This IS the only way, and they all know it, you know it. F isn't just a letter, there are no girls on Earth besides Mindy and your life is over now. Repeat this mantra daily before and after breakfast, lunch and dinner and you'll be firm as a rock in your beliefs.

Hopefully this guide has been helpful to you not only in giving you some ideas for a more entertaining suicide, but it also prepared you for that new and totally not boring at all world that you'll visit after you die. So I wish you good luck and have a nice li...death.

Addenda

There will probably be some people thinking or telling me: "this is kind of insensitive, you shouldn't be so harsh on these kids, they're probably depressed and confused. And it definitely isn't funny."

Well, my dear friends, kiss my gorgeous peach scented bottom (girls tell me I have a gorgeous bottom).

Do you know who should had commited suicide (and also had the full right to do so)?

These guys.

B is for...

2010-11-14T11:14:00.003+02:00

Brain

Imagine a world where there's a single ruler, one authoritarian leader that has one job, one purpose: to boss you around for the rest of your life. By now you're probably already thinking of a revolution of some sort to overthrow or kill the despot and restore free will and democracy, because nobody will ever boss you around.

Also, if you were one of your body's cells or organs, you'd probably be dead by now. The perfect example to support the idea that democracy isn't always the best answer is your brain. It controls everything: from breathing to the ability of shoving a hammer up that Justin Bieber fan's ass, from seeing things to peeing your pants when you see a hanged person for the first time (you get used to it after a while).

Your brain is technically one big pickled electrical engine that controls every aspect of your life. Sure, it's not a looker and it definitely couldn't win a Miss/Mister Organ contest but it would definitely be named Employee of the Month.

Each brain is unique: they all perform the same and look the same.

Except for the shark's brain...

which kind of looks like a vagina.

The only living beings on planet Earth that have no particular brain and don't seem to need any whatsoever are the sponges.

As most modern women would agree:

the brain isn't spongeworthy.

For all the other living beings on Earth (except jellyfish and starfish) the brain is the best solution to life's everyday problems. No matter how small your brain is, it will always get you through the day.

Actually, you won't believe how much you owe your brain! One might even say that the cortex is always several steps ahead of you. Let's presume that you want to build your brain a golden statue because, holy shit, it's so cool! Provided that your brain gave this command in the first place, it already knew you'd think of this. Thus, we come to the great conclusion that your cortex is kind of a douche-bag...an egocentric douche-bag.

Somewhere in 1796, Phrenology was developed: a pseudoscience primarily focused on measurements of the human skull, based on the concept that the brain is the organ of the mind, and that certain brain areas have localized, specific functions or modules. Yes, it is exactly what you think it is: your personality is based on your skull and brain's shape.

According to phrenology,

this guy has 3 Nobels, 2 Grammys, 5 Oscars

and is about to cure AIDS.

Also, phrenology stated that the brain was made up of 27 individual "organs" that created one's personality, with the first 19 of these "organs" believed to exist in other animal species. Phrenologists would run their fingertips and palms over the skulls of their patients to feel for enlargements or indentations. Thus, the 27 "brain organs" were:

The instinct of reproduction (located in the cerebellum).
The love of one's offspring.
Affection and friendship.
The instinct of self-defense and courage; the tendency to get into fights.
The carnivorous instinct; the tendency to murder.
Guile; acuteness; cleverness.
The feeling of property; the instinct of stocking up on food (in animals); covetousness; the tendency to steal.
Pride; arrogance; haughtiness; love of authority; loftiness.
Vanity; ambition; love of glory (a quality "beneficent for the individual and for society").
Circumspection; forethought.
The memory of things; the memory of facts; educability; perfectibility.
The sense of places; of space proportions, of time.
The memory of people; the sense of people.
The memory of words.
The sense of language; of speech.
The sense of colours.
The sense of sounds; the gift of music.
The sense of connectedness between numbers.
The sense of mechanics, of construction; the talent for architecture.
Comparative sagacity.
The sense of metaphysics.
The sense of satire; the sense of witticism.
The poetical talent.
Kindness; benevolence; gentleness; compassion; sensitivity; moral sense.
The faculty to imitate; the mimic.
The organ of religion.
The firmness of purpose; constancy; perseverance; obstinacy.

Technically, before being born you get to choose one of these "skills" you can excel in and then start your journey on Earth. Wait.....this sounds familiar...

Phrenology.

Fortunately, there is this thing called progress that made the n00b Phrenology eventually evolve into level 40 Psychology, a more down-to-Earth science.

"You like to eat your salad with bread?

Clearly, you were sexually abused as a child."

Speaking of brain "departments", I bet you know the theory that states:

"The brain is only used at 10% percent of it's capacity."

According to this theory, if we were to concentrate and wish hard enough some amazing shit could happen. We could move objects with our mind, communicate telepathically, shit lightning bolts, kill one stone with two birds, speak perfect bucketese, watch all the "Lost" seasons while casually skimming but thoroughly correcting "Twilight"'s grammar and plotholes, beat the final boss of the Internet, triforce, lay eggs like a hen and also give birth to ourselves. Yes....truly wonderful things. The only problem is that you are already using your brain at full (100%) capacity and if you'd truly use it only at 10% you'd only have the brain power to think of moving your left toe. Your brain generaly uses every single part of itself: that's why you can read this and at the same time scratch your balls. Technically, if you'd concentrate and think more than this, your head would explode.

***WARNING***

The following picture contains.....oh....shit....you already saw it, huh?....

Yes, your brain usually works very very hard just so it can keep your lazy ass alive, and it sometimes needs to relax. How about sleeping? Oh shit, no, who's going to handle all those dreams of you fighting aunt Petunia with Bruce Lee by your side?

Sleeping won't do...your brain's always busy and there's nothing you can do. Unless....

Neah....bad idea.....drugs aren't a solution. Stay clean, kids! ;)

The fact is that the brain seems to be perfect, and maybe it is perfect: no computer in the world can stand before a brain's immense calculation power, no single computer can handle a human body the way our brain does. How can a perfect thing such as this appear by chance? It must have a creator, it's simply perfect! Divine!

Actually, your brain is the protagonist of some major fuck-ups.

We're not counting religion or hipsters here.

Source.

The fact is that the certain perfect creator of this perfect brain should get back to the drawing board because we certainly would need some patches and fixes. Your cortex can fuck with you at any given time (as shown here and here) without any warning and simply because it wants to have some fun. These are the moments when your brain either can't handle the pressure or comprehend what's going on or simply malfunctions and fails to send or receive any instructions.

We present the jury with two examples:

The First one is called the "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" and is one of those from the "brain-failing-to-comprehend-what-the-hell-is-going-on" category. Basically you find yourself to be several meters taller than the door, 500 metres away from the window or smaller than your shoes, all of these in your own bathroom without the help of LSD. Don't worry, the bathroom's the same and the door and the window are just as you last left them; the problem is that not only you see them like you're playing "A Bug's Life: The RPG", you also perceive them this way. Yes, there is a difference. There's no real explanation other than that your brain simply malfunctions, and it can simply come out of the blue and stop as suddenly.

The Second fuck-up your brain proudly has in store for you is guaranteed to give you nightmares. Touch your butt region....go ahead, I'll wait. You've probably noticed you have a something like a hole there...well, it's not exactly a hole. There is actually a muscle there (the Sphincter ani externus muscle) that holds your ass tight shut, your bowels in place and controls.....everything that's going on in that region. And...how should I put it? Sometimes your brain kind of malfunctions and fails to send a certain set of instructions and those muscles don't contract that well (sometimes they don't contract at all) anymore. Basicaly your large intestine is left dangling through your butt hole. Can you picture it?

Look! A puppy!

Ok, so we humans probably don't have the most reliable processor or OS, but we still have our brains larger than our eyeballs. That must account for something! The truth is that we are way smarter than your average ant (par example)....if we're alone.

There is something called "collective intelligence", a thing that we really really really really suck at, a thing that ants and termites really really really really excel in. The basic idea is that when you round up a couple hundred ants, you get a nice and thriving society, with great and highly resistant structures. Individualy, they're stupid, but incredibly intelligent as a collective.

"Your move, humans."

However, if you round up a couple hundred humans, you get something like this:

Is it too late to ask for some wings or some fins instead?

Manipulation for dummies

2010-10-15T08:59:00.004+03:00

This post contains many

sexually explicit images of unicorns mating.

Imagine a perfect world, a world where everything you wish can come true in an instant, a world where everything goes your way, a world where women only buy the clothes and shoes they need, a world where men never let the toilet seat up, a world where children know how to use the spoon as soon as they come out of their mother's womb, a world where cats and dogs sing "Cumbaya" on an improvised guitar they've just learnt to make with their own little paws, a wonderful world with lots of pie, a world full of epic win.

Well, snap out of it! This isn't Disneyland, and money, love and cornflakes don't grow on trees. You have to obtain these things with great amounts of blood and about 30 gallons of sweat. Today's World is harsh, ruthless, unforgiving. It's like a jungle out there and even worse! You know why the lions, the tigers and bears don't live in the city? Because they're scared shitless of it!

Thus, the only way you can make things go your way is to make things go your way. And how to do it best other than using the art of manipulation? Chances are that everyone else is already using it on you to either gain your money, your friendship, your place in the queue, your sexual favours (although....who would be bothered by that?) or that fresh hot cocoa you just made for yourself. Yeah, that's right...people out there are trying to get you and take advantage of you and you have to fight back. Thus, following the "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer so you can swiftly stab them while not looking" principle you'll learn how to use manipulation by correctly identifying it and by the end of this course you'll become a ruthless master of deceit and manipulation.

Attention.

You'll need lots of it.

I've left out the obvious methods such as money, manipulation through fear or the type used by the media (that I used in the post's subtitle, so I'd manipulate you into reading the post...thing that obviously worked), because you probably know them well enough by now.

So, without further gilding the lilies, I present to you the most eficient types of manipulation there are:

1) "Are you happy?"

This is by far one of the best methods through which you can be pussified and transformed into a remote controlled familiar even by an absolute stranger. Yes, that person doesn't have to be a close friend or anything. More devastating than a hundred Tunguska incidents piled one onto another, it can release so many feelings in such a violent chain reaction that by the time you hear it you will have wished not to have any sense of hearing or at least knowledge of human language.

A typical scenario would go like this:

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, I am..............well, almost...............fuck.....NO, I'M NOT!!!!"

"Wouldn't you like to find your happiness?"

[sobbing]"Mhm..."

"Well then, let me help you."

And this is how every Hollywood psychological-thriller/drama/romance film starts.

As you can see, your whole being is degrading with every breath you take and every word you say and by the time you finish you'll already start thinking of some creative methods of commiting suicide.

Possibly by using one of these.

How does this happen? Well, it has scientifically proven that when you are asked this type of question (like any other question), the more you think about it and the answer you want to give, the more....you start to think and analyze stuff, although you really really [I can't stress this enough....] REALLY [oh, yes I can] don't have to.

Technically you're an idiot. By thinking. Hard.

The best defence is to send out your best pokemon and start and epic battle that will ensue not just any victory, but YOUR victory. A victory that will be sung in songs, recited in poems and dearly remembered in every 4chan board.

Or just start thinking of peanut butter as soon as you hear the question.

2) Puppy Eyes is the second method of undermining your authority and, wether you're a male or a female of the Homo Sapiens species, it is the best example of how mimicry works in the animal kingdom (worth mentioning that it works AGAINST you, most of the time, because fuck you, that's why). It all started from this:

I just won myself 50 more female fans

with this pic.

As you can see, you're virtually defenceless against this technique. How can you resist such a cute face? Especially if that face also yelps and cries a bit. Basically it's like you're under the Imperius curse: you're talking with her (let's say she's your girlfriend, just for the sake of argument), she asks for your car, you don't want to give it to her but as soon as she makes the puppy eyes you enter the twilight zone and the next thing you see is you giving her the bloody keys. Magic!

It is interesting to note that usually only women and children use this technique, men don't because everytime they do they look like a badly cooked Thanksgiving turkey that's been stepped on by Michael Flatley's Irish dance crew.

"Can I please have some pudding?"

Although there have been rare doucmented cases of males of the Homo Sapiens species able of such a feat, currently, these peculiar anomalies rest in the Cryptozoology department; no serious scientist would ever dare to believe such a thing exists.

The best defence is a good offence, namely to immediately swap the image of your girlfriend/child/boyfriend with that of Medusa. Don't look into the beast's eyes and immediately gouge them out. After that, you're invited to sign in your World of Warcraft account and boast around about the awesome feat you've just accomplished.Hypnotoad? Bring it on!

Congratulations, you've just survived the dreaded Puppy Eyes.

3) "It's either X or Y!"

As you can probably see, we're moving from more general manipulation techniques (such as the first one) to more particular ones. This third technique actually requires you to have some sort of girlfriend (it can also work if you are a girl and have a boyfriend....but a lot harder). If you don't have any, then you can consider yourself lucky....and really really sad.

Maybe once in your lifetime you had this discussion with your girlfriend about something you really want to do, but she doesn't like it and of course she starts bitching....uhm.....expressing her point of view for 5.fucking.hours. You'd think that after all this time you've spent arguing and struggling to come to terms would result in something good for you. But it doesn't. She can't stand the fact that rather than spending your time with her watching some Holywood romantic-comedy you'd prefer spending your time with your homies:

A video can only take so much awesomeness.

So naturally she gives you an ultimatum:

"It's either me, or them!"

Of course, you love her (what else could that stifness in your pants signify?) and you can't bear to see her stay mad at you....so you mumble something like "Ok hun.......let's go watch Sweet November....". You know that she's manipulating you with this one and you know you shouldn't give in, but you are....because apparently there is no God. So you can only sit next to her on the couch absent-mindedly watching the film and remembering all those days from the start of your relationship when everything was ok and romance was in bloom.

Alas, those days are gone and now you'll have to pay for the sins you made during your youth.

This is one of the hardest choices to make because both of the things you'll have to choose from are things that are really dear to you: be it some crispy strips, a football match (and when I'm saying football, I'm refering to european football a.k.a. "soccer"....for further reference see Figure 1), a night out with the guys, Half-Life 3 or that bestiality porn video you want to view.

Figure 1.

Thus it only comes naturally as one of the hardest choices you'll ever have to make. You haven't been so stressed since you first heard that a skeleton is living inside of you.

The best defence is to tell her to shut the fuck up and come back with a sandwich.

4) The last of the manipulative techniques is one of the most destructive in the Universe and at the same time the easiest to fall for. Humanity (and all that it stands for) has been shaped by this very technique from its dawn and although we have evolved a great deal, we stand hopeless against it.

Thus, I present you the most terrifying and efficient form of manipulation in the Universe:

Pussy

Picture somewhat related.

Contrary to popular belief, the pussy manipulation method doesn't only work on the human male but also on the human female, because as we all know: guys will fuck with anyone that has a pussy, chicks will fuck with anyone.

As it turns out, the simple sight of pussy will neutralize any sign of grey matter you possess. It's basically like a cuter and more charming Hitler.

Baby, you can talk to me about your final solution all night long.

Regardless of your sex, you'll definitely say something like: "No way! I can withstand such pressure! I can stand against it! No pussy can bring me down!" and you'd better be a fucking plant because you'll be the first to fall.

The best defence is a good condom. At least try not to have any kids.

Now that I have taught all the basics, you now know how to defend yourself from manipulative behaviour and also exert it on weak souls. Don't be shy and use it as much as possible: from using it on your wife to bring you a cold beer when she's struck down by pms to using it on your boss to shag a puppy so you can take compromising pictures of him. It's like using Jedi mind tricks! You'll have everything ! Actually, you can have everything starting from now! You're on your way to becoming the ruler of the world and nothing can stop you as long as you remember what I told you and floss your teeth every evening.

You'll be indestructible!

(except for the pussy part....that will actually be your downfall)

P.S. There are no sexually explicit images of unicorns mating in this article. I just manipulated you into reading it.

A is for...

2010-10-02T19:30:00.049+03:00

Anvil

I would like to start by saying that....boy....the dictionary sure has some boring words under the A letter (ok, there are some exceptions, like apothegm, look it up and do tell me what it means), I mean...yeah, it makes perfect sense: the start is always the hardest. That's why during early childhood we're drooling idiots that can't even walk; later though things change, we evolve and instead of drooling idiots that couldn't win a race against a coffee mug we become just idiots.

The anvil, however, is just a fucking anvil (as you'd probably expect). It doesn't change, and if it does then by god I hope you have enough resources. However, only a fool would want to change The Anvil: there are so many types of anvils for all you anvil fetishists out there....yeah, you know there are some of you there, dreaming each night of you against that cold metal, making sweet sweet love and talking to each other in languages only you know.

Aaaaah....l'amour...

Invented by Wille E. Coyote, The Anvil is one of those things that helped society and propelled it to the reality shows and 2girls1cup era (also known as the contemporary age). Obviously, people used to make weapons and armour on an anvil, try to catch ostriches with it, and later serve dinner on them, but only one use for the anvil truly stands out: the forging of the glorious Codpiece.

Now, if you're a woman, you couldn't care less, since your crotch really hasn't anything to fear of (except some...ahem....swimmers) and life is quite dandy, however, if you are a dude....you most probably have a dick (or as they scientifically call it: a penis) and although most of the times it can help you get out of boredom, there are those times when you can break it, permanently bend it on odd and unorthodox angles or cut it with a spoon if you are one of the butterfinger types....which would be particularly stupid. But possible. There are over 100 accidents that a man's dick can endure.

Some probably deserve it.

And if you are fighting and use a sharp objects in your everyday activities, such as swords or a specifically sharp potao, like people in the Middle Ages used to do, then you're fucked. A really painful type of fuck. Thus, a codpiece was in order, as to protect the tender flesh that resides between thy rosy thighs, a correctly anatomical codpiece.

Yes...the pecker has a face now.

From Sir Lancelot to Sir Tom Jones (yes, that Tom Jones), the codpiece has been the most fashionable accesory since the "carrot up your bottom" was deemed too unfashionable by students worldwide. Why would anyone use a codpiece? Well, of course, being a man, a bulge in your crotch area is just the thing to signal "I'm a man" and chances are that if you were born with a dick and have no impressive bulge, then you are not man enough. Buy a codpiece!

Free armour included.

The Anvil is also the only object in the known Universe that can completely defy gravity and be used as a flotation device (fig.1) and still be the most useless hunting device next to the wet sponge. Some scientists even suggest that if the Hindenburg zeppelin had Av32 (also known as Anvilium) instead of H2 in its composition it wouldn't have burnt. Now before you agree with me and say "yes, you are right", slap yourselves and keep in mind that the famous line "Oh, the humanity!" wouldn't exist if the Hindenburg didn't burn. Sarcasm would be but a dry field of cow dung if it weren't for this one liner, you simpletons.

Fig. 1

Quod erat demonstrandum.

Hey!

How's it going? Are you playing in a band? Would it by chance be a viking-metal, gothic-metal or pagan-metal kind of band (actually any type of metal will do)?Well, in that case you probably know by now how hard is to survive in the metal scene, since all these n00bs keep showing up. Unfortunately all seems to be lost, and the grandfather clock of Metal ticks away its last seconds. How can you revive the metal spirit? How can you resurrect the long forgotten awesomeness of metal? Well....looking back...I'm not sure what reasonable human being would want that....but for the sake of argument. You've probably just retreated to your little piece of heaven (?) deep in the woods, near a lake, singing songs with a bunch of trolls and still don't feel savage and trv kvlt enough.

"I caught a whopper THIS big!"

Well, have I got the news for you!

Why not use The Anvil as a theme? Or better yet....as a band name?

We've got this covered.

[Get it?! Hahaha!...ha]

How could people resist you when the band's very name signifies something that's BIG, metallic and.....immovable....and...bulky...and...unaesthetic...and....You know what? Fucking swords were used to be made on an anvil! Wars were fought with swords. Tools for agriculture, also! Yeah, the anvil is the very foundation of modern culture and civilization! Also, horses probably used to fornicate on anvils as well....but I wouldn't really bet my life on it.

Let's say though that you're still not convinced of the benefits that an anvil can bring into your life. Naming your band Anvil won't do and you still have much to do to revive the spirit of metal past and also make a name for yourself.

Then why not use an anvil as an instrument?

According to my Bible (namely Wikipedia), the anvils have been used as percussion instruments in several musical compositions:

Giuseppe Verdi: Il Trovatore, featuring the famous "Anvil Chorus"
Richard Wagner: Der Ring des Nibelungen in Das Rheingold in scene 3, using 18 anvils tuned in F in three octaves, and Siegfried in act I, notably Siegfried's "Forging Song" (Nothung! Nothung! Neidliches Schwert!)
Josef Strauss: Feuerfest!, op. 269
Daniel Auber: opera Le Maçon
Gustav Holst: Second Suite in F for Military Band, which includes a movement titled "Song of the Blacksmith"
Aaron Copland: Symphony No. 3
Arnold Bax: Symphony No. 3
William Walton: Belshazzar's Feast
Edgard Varèse: Ionisation
Carl Orff: Antigone
Benjamin Britten: The Burning Fiery Furnace
Juan María Solare: Veinticinco de agosto, 1983 and Un ángel de hielo y fuego
Nicholas Hooper: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
James Horner: Used it extensively in Aliens, and his other films like Flightplan, The Forgotten and Titanic
Howard Shore: The Lord of the Rings film trilogy
Don Davis: The Matrix trilogy
Albert Parlow: "Anvil Polka"
Louis Andriessen: De Materie (Part I), which features an extended solo for two anvils
Fear Factory: "Body Hammer", which features the sound of a hammer striking an anvil as percussion.
Judas Priest: "Between The Hammer And The Anvil" which features the sound of a hammer striking an anvil for dramatic effect.
The Beatles: "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" makes prominent use of the anvil. Beatles road manager Mal Evans played the anvil.
John Williams: film music Jaws
Kansas: "On the Other Side" featured some use of the anvil. Kansas violinist Robby Steinhardt played the anvil on the track.
Jean Michel Jarre: On the overture of the disc "Revolutions".

Although this is way cooler.

Reserved only for electronica nerds.

Now that you got your yearly bite of culture (and I got my one page filler), it's safe to say that there is finally hope for the world. The Middle Ages are back in style and the Church is the first to get in line with the fashion. What's next? Witches in swimsuits flying over lakes on homemade branch-brooms?

...oh...

At least we'll have some fun: lands of fairytale, knights, glory, dragons everywhere, fair maidens with bad teeth, no perfumes or leaden make-up that can get you poisoned on the first kiss.....you know what? I think I'm going to stick to the XXIst Century...at least I'm not in danger by getting a free massage from the stretching-rack for masturbating in my own private quarters.

Also, the anvil is that little fucker in your middle ear, just between the malleus and stapes which seem to have gotten their names from a Defens Against the Dark Arts manual, that grant you the ability to hear whatever the neighbour is gossiping or saucy details about George's "date" with that totally hot chick he eventually banged.

Although nothing can top this.

As it turns out (and I'm not making this shit up, believe me) scientists have discovered that your ears actually have a very important role in your hearing sense.

Alas, the world is upside down and you can only pray that you'll be a fried potato in the next life and share its IQ, at least you'll have a purpose and won't be bothered by anything else.

Google image result for "potato".

And now for some statistics: this post took almost two weeks to complete. No, I didn't lose my arms in a brutal pillow fight (although it would have been a great excuse) and neither did my keyboard break (a pleasure only reserved to the Mac owners, apparently) but I kind of started to feel lonely....ever felt like that? That you need someone to talk to and who can listen. Yeah, I guess I could talk to you guys, but I could never tell you secret things like the fact that I like bondage while having an apple in my mouth and humming the "Camp Rock" main tune....you'd think I'm weird. So I bought a flower, and not only I can talk to it, but it can also talk to me. What more could I want?

Your kid might be in trouble. Help him!

2010-09-16T23:18:00.010+03:00

"You feel that something's wrong with you, but know it's not fatigue and the medical results also show no sign of disease"

- "CanCan de Weekend", 11-12.09.2010

Yes, your child has been feeling it for some time now and you're beginning to worry that it might be a common case of bipolar disorder, I mean...just see the facts, man! His body is perfectly ok but somehow he (or...ok, fine...she) is feeling weak and with no desire to live anymore. What could be wrong? The doctors apparently have no fucking clue of what the hell is going on and your child is starting to turn into some kind of Dungeons & Dragons monster.

Picture related.

Luckily for you, there is a totally trustworthy newspaper that has the solution to your problem. So what's the answer? Does your child have some kind of tapeworm living inside and sucking the life out of him? Maybe he has been watching too much TV and was desensitized?

Well, just in case you have the intellectual capacity of a wooden ornament and didn't get the hints, our very own tabloid newspaper "CanCan de Weekend" has the answer to the problem that eluded so many experienced doctors: your child might be

EMU

"I beg your pardon?"

No, wait...

EMO

We'll let it sink in for a moment....right. So your own (and only) kid has an affection that might leave him scarred for life (haha, get it?) or even dead serious (I crack myself up).

Luckily for you, CanCan is here to help you in its article entitled

Is your child "Emo"?

Find out how to treat him

Here, have a link, so you know I'm not making this shit up. It also has some half-naked chicks thrown in.

Thus, according to it, Emo...ism has nothing to do with music, well, actually they say "it isn't just a musical genre, but, as the experts say, an evidence of feelings more and more people feel."

But surely....isn't the music that they listen to an influence? Those videos and songs with and about guys kissing each other and then performing a dissection on them out of sheer pain that there are no more Oreos left in the cupboard?

Yes, Jimmy Eat World plays emo. I double-checked.

Wait....no guy on guy action?

Apparently chicks dig this.

Well...surely there must be something wrong...it definitely has to be the Freemasons....or the Jews....or the Illuminati....they always hide things from us.

Ok newspaper, spill out your guts....what are you actually playing at? Are we talking about Emo or bipolarity? Or simply adolescence? Because, stab me with a mushroom and call me Prune Juice if I'm wrong, didn't we usually feel the same without any apparent reason? And if your kid is 14-17 years old, it's her/his fucking job to hate the world, including you, otherwise, if they'd only listen to you (chances are you're already fucked up as well) we'd get another one of these mofos.

Because there's no way parents can fuck you up.

Now, let's not be too harsh and shallow, the newspaper also gives us a list of symptoms:

- loss of interest, lack of a hobby

- transition from extasy to depression

- frequent crying

- energy during the day, depression during the evening

- hypochondria

- decrease of self-esteem, the tendency to negatively appreciate one's own person

- helplessness to relate to other people

Now....where should I start? What the fuck do you mean by "energy during the day, depression during the evening"?!?!?! I mean, yeah, who would want to have energy during daytime and hit the sack during the nighttime?

Shiny happy people?

Excuse my lack of knowledge concerning the science field that is also known as anatomy , but are you by any chance refering to "sleep" when you say "depression"?

Honestly now, was this article written by an army of lobotomized chipmunks? Because if you are a human being you'll naturally feel at least one of those things during your sad and miserable life. Especially in that phase called "Adolescence", where nobody seems to like you.

Another problem about "emo" kids is that of suicide. Their main ambition is to commit suicide sometime in their life, thus they'll get the attention they so dearly crave for and be on the front page of some *ahem* certain newspapers.

Yeah, sure, douche-bags commit suicide too sometimes, middle-aged people also, and even superstars...but only emo kids' type of suicide is really suicide, right?

Well, the last bit of information that our new found Bible gives us is that of correctly identifying if your child is suicidal. And I won't be hypocritical, I'll even tell you honestly if I currrently have one of those symptoms.

- talks about suicide and death [check]

- puts his business in order, makes his testament [check]

- feels helpless, with no value or keeps saying things like "It would be better if I wasn't here." [check]

- keeps playing with fate sometimes crossing the street when the light is red or is taking other risks that can lead to death" [ohooooooooooooooo!!! check!!!]

Thus, not only do we find out that sea cucumbers can indeed write (and quite an entertaining newspaper, mind you) but also that every human on this forsaken planet, stray dogs, cats and pigeons are suicidal. I mean, why the hell would anyone cross the street when the light is red if not for sucidal purposes?

Well, guess that by being a teenager or young man/woman you have that need to be unique and original, and how can you be unique if you're not adhering to any fad? You're not like other people, you have to be unique.....along with the other several milions of people that chose the same fad.

Anyhow, Emo kids are already old news........

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES

[sauce]

"How the fuck do you use a can opener?"

Gotta' love those hipsters....because yes: emo is soooooooooooo last year!
Why not wear Ray Ban frames and pretend you are the long lost son/daughter of Leonardo da Vinci? They can do everything, they know how to take photos (not pictures, photos as in photographs), they know how to use Photoshop, they know how to draw, they know at least how to play a guitar, they listen to the best underground bands (that you've never heard of), they are way cooler than you and fuck yeah, they are smarter than you in every way that is conceivable by the human mind.
And they also use only Apple products. Because fuck you Microsoft!

Yeah, choose a side and be unique.

Confessions of a bandmate.

2010-06-29T14:32:00.002+03:00

Hello?...

Is this thing on?...ok...

Yes, ladies and gents! Doppelgänger's back! All new and improved, full of positive qi (or chi), so much qi that it would make Darth Vader spring with laughter and joy while reciting poems to dolphins in C Major (because it is such a happy scale).

As you can see by my absence, I haven't been writing for.....several months now. Several months that were not uneventful, however. Mainly, on the 5th of May, my blog, the only one worth reading, grew up one (actually the first) year. One year! Can you imagine that? If I were to sum up this whole year in one picture, it would definitely be this one:

Don't ask.

Actually I can't really remember what happened during these past few months, but I bet it was overwhelming. But what I do remember is that I've stopped posting with my last post....the one before this one. The one called "Spaced Out", which (come to think of it) was very well received and absolutely everybody liked it. Thus, unfortunately for you, my readers, I'll abandon this path of education because it was truly hard to follow and quite boring; however, in this new post, we'll talk about statistics! Because we all know how fun they are!

Actually fuck it, I WAS going to give you a post full of statistics but I remembered that I'm not good with numbers and neither do I fancy them that much.

And to think I've been keeping this idea in my head since May.

But alas, my friends, I have a terrible secret to reveal. It took me a lot of time to come to terms with it, and so will you. Some of you may leave me because of the pressure of the moment, some of you may even come to my home (surprise, I'm relocating) and bash me in the head and some of you might stay strong, swallow your pride and your tears and accept me for what I am. I'm coming out of the closet.

The suspense is killing me.

I play in a band.

You know, one of those thingies where lots of dudes (sometimes dudettes) come together and make music with a "message". Of course you do, you only wanted this since you hit puberty. Yes, that kind of band, where great music (whatever genre it may be) is created by talented men and women.

Except these guys.

And no, we do not have groupies that follow us at every concert (well, except friends) because they don't let us fuck them (or to be more delicate, have sex with them). Yes, girls, in order to be a groupie you actually have to be able to fuck the band mates in a succesive order, as much as possible and as fast as possible, without complaining. This is how you get the job, God damn it, this IS your job. I should know.

Ok, maybe except the keyboard player. He never gets any pussy, apparently, I can tell you that....from a friend that has a friend that has a keyboardist friend. Yeah. Apparently keyboard players aren't too arousing.

Come on! Don't you find this arousing?!

That's too bad ladies, keyboardists are more sexy and cool than the other band members altogether...I'm really sorry for you, because you have no idea of what you're missing. And I'm not saying it because I am one (because I'm not), but I just can't stand this prejudice and misunderstanding that is ruling the whole world. It must be stopped!

Thus, we have no groupies. The only ones that keep us warm in the sad, rainy and cold autumn nights when we're off performing in other cities are our instruments, as it turns out you can have a lot of fun with your musical instruments. Especially if you plug them in, apparently this does the trick.

But it's not that simple. Fame and glory don't come simply by snapping your fingers (more like snapping your ribs), and you constantly have to struggle to be the best. So we did that too.

We've finally managed to evolve from this:

[The battlecry of a rabbid viking horde.]

To this:

A process that I personally supervised.

The reviews are generally favorable, one of our reviewers even managed to survive until the end of a song by sawing off and then gnawing his own left leg. Yes, as it turns out, we're a talented bunch of skippers. But as a musician, you sometimes get some really really really stupid questions from various people who are just curious and want to know more about you. Ok, ok, maybe they're not that stupid, but still.

However stupid these questions might seem to be, we must remember that, as people, we love stories. That's why we care about what kind of detergent our neighbour uses and why isn't he married, because he already is 45 years old. Apparently we like stories really really much.

1. What does the name of the band mean?

This is a killer question, since everybody expects your band to have a name so profound that would make Byron, Keats and Shelley altogether be ashamed of themselves and commit seppuku. They actually expect your band's name to be stolen from an ancient Assyrian esoteric scroll of spells and then desecrated by sticking it to a shitty band such as yours. You can almost see their eyes sparkling when they ask this question, but be warned...should you fail to comply and say something like "Well, it's just something we came up after drinking too much fizzy drinks. Seriously now, you really think that the name of Bellybutton could lead to something profound?" you shall release a powerful and ruthless force of nature also known as "denial". They will slip into "error mode" and keep repeating "What do you mean? No, it has to mean something. It can't be simple as that, it has to be more profound. No, no, no, no.". After that, their heads will either implode or release deathrays, killing every living being on a radius of 504.2 metres. I'd personally go for the second one.

Thus, in order for everyone to be happy and avoid any type of bloodshed, we personally recommend that you have a chat like this:

So what does the name of the band mean?

Oh, well, the name Bellybutton came to me one stormy night, somewhere in July, while I was sitting with my synthesizer in my lap, trying to make a worthy electronica influenced remix with bossanova elements for Radiohead's Karma Police. Suddenly I felt the room chilling itself to a moderate 17 degrees Celsius. I asked myself: "How could it be? I did close the door to the freezer, didn't I?" I couldn't ask for my bandmates' help since they were all outside playing softball, so I got up....or at least I tried to...but I was suddenly pushed back in the chair while a strange figure was taking shape in front of my very eyes.

He seemed familiar, maybe from some kind of commercial, but my memory didn't help at all. Alas, the figure spoke: "I have a terrible secret to tell thee!". "Alright, shoot." I said to him. And he told me that terrible secret.

So what's the band name's meaning?

Well, it might not seem too much when you think of Bellybutton, but this name actually has an important....importance concerning the metaphysical plane that our world belongs to.

[pretty stoked and mesmerized] Do tell...

What is a bellybutton? It's just a little hole right in the middle of you that was once the place where you and your ombilical chord were connected. Thus, we are a Bellybutton, once connected to a higher being, a being that gave birth to us, but sometime in this harsh reality the connection was severed and we are now just a hole that is only a reminder of what we once were. It is a metaphor for life and our ultimate fate.

Ooooooh.....

El Fin

Or you could just choose an obvious name such as Trv Kvlt (for y'all metal dudes out there), Rancid Meat, The Destroyers, The AntiChryslers, The Dudes, Butch, We Just Sing or using your own God damn name.

2. So what's your story?

It is funny to know that even if you're a shitty band people still want to know your story. Right as we speak, we have (as some kind of homework) to write some sort of "Band Bio" so other people can read it, without any special purpose. It also has to be written in an informal style. It is even funnier to know that exactly those people that could not accept the fact that your band's name has no profound meaning suddenly find it incredibly easy to accept a bio like:

"Well, me and Josh first met in high-school, an' y'know, we were hanging out. When suddenly, at a party, out of nowhere Josh had this radical idea of me and him forming a band. And so we did.......like. After that, Wart, our drummer stepped in (he was banging Josh's mother at that time), who also brought Beelzebutt (our bassist). And that was when The Stone Tissues Tell The Truth band was truly born."

I feel terribly sorry to say that our band does have a story, a story so grand and wonderful that we might even actually win a Nobel prize for literature before winning a Grammy. And you're going to listen to it, either you like it or not!

This is the story of six bold young human beings in search of adventure. The story of six youngsters who gathered to form a band and push humour to new heights. The rest.....is history. And this is how it starts:

Ok....so maybe it didn't start like that. But it does start in a local tavern in the city of Sawwave, on a rainy and cold November night. Our six main characters were sitting at a table, talking about what was soon to be their future. We shall present them in order of their high-score in Pac Man:

From the high plains of Jahweedstan, the skinny Mr. Crank, the man with a green heart and the sweet scent of weed fields; he has a heart of 24K gold.

From the city of New Thom Yorke, famous explorer Jack Cousteau, always trying to push the boundaries of the human ear and music; he also has a heart of gold but periodically has to sell it to support the other band members, him being the main financier;

From the local cluster RHCPeppersville, char *Valiable is said to have banished the whole race of Wannabezoids from his cluster just by playing a killer avantgarde guitar solo. He also runs his own library called GnuC Inc;

From Mancunia, the land of all mopportunities, Dummi Variable, long time friend of char *Valiable and equally skilled in manipulating the guitar and programming the Matrix itself, he's also working on a particular cloud made up out of soundwaves;

From the vicinity of Old Faithful, exactly opposed to the Fountain of Youth, Claw, the only man that can make music by playing drums made out of tin cans and car wheel hubs;

And finally, from the lush forests of...uhmm...the...sixth member...the.....yeah, that one.

These men are about to face a journey, a perilous journey: they, with the help of music, must change the sinful ways of the Dwaas people and bring back their sanity. It's a matter of grey matter.

Which they dearly miss.

Thus, our six heroes must cross the dangerous universe known as Shawbiznus in order to educate those simple bastards and defeat their gods Small John, Ladio Gaga and Just In Beaver. To do so, they must first perform a baptism on themselves so they can be protected by the negative influence of those people. But not just any baptism, an

The power of the BPM compells them; 1/8, 1/4, 1/2 and 1/16 flow through them, replacing their bloodcells; even a single stream of pee sounds like a Major chord now. They are ready to go, ready to face the dangers. Are you ready to follow them?

Of course, this kind of Bio can also be backed up by ad campaigns and especially action figures.

3.Do you make your own music?

Should you, by any chance, encounter a fellow that is asking this particular question, run. Run the fuck away. Run like a whole battalion of laser-shooting robo-raptors is after you (man, that would be awesome). Or at least put the simple bastard out of his misery and sign him up for the Darwin Awards.

Let us put it this way: you have a driver's license (that you supposedly got a hold on after giving an exam) and a car. In this case, does anybody drive your sorry ass to where you want to go? No, you drive yourself, because you can! Also, keyboard players are sexy.

The most common argument is:

Well, you know, people like Madonna and Lady Gaga have their songs composed by other people, so I thought....

First of all, my dear soon-to-be-lobotomized friend, Madonna and Lady Gaga aren't musicians. They are singers. The difference is that singers just sing what other people compose, you could start a whole career just by singing in the bathroom. Madonna (or Lady Gaga) has a band that plays various instruments to back up that hoe's yoddeling. A musician does know how to play at least one musical instrument, because they [the musicians] create music. You can't be a fucking painter by simply making an exhibition without painting your paintings yourself. Second of all, you're an idiot.

If you're in a band and don't make your own songs (unless you're explicitly a cover band), then you ought to be ashamed of yourself, do some sit-ups and have some cocktails. Molotov cocktails.

Are you sure this doesn't make you horny?

As an inside tip, although you can concentrate on the instrumental part of your songs, you may also have some lyrics so people can recognize and remember your songs easier, especially if you want to go mainstream. Providing that "mhmmhmblablafafafa" isn't quite memorable.

Also, you have to choose something to sing about. From No Surprises to Hollaback Girl, you will need something to sing about. It's ok, it doesn't have to make sense; as long as at least one word is intelligible and you repeat it over and over throughout the song, you'll soon be making "greatest hits" like there's no tomorrow.

Oh, who am I kidding? You CAN make a song only by singing jibberish.

However, you might want to step away from this imbecile way of giving your message (whatever that might be) to the world, skip those stupid "I love you/Can't you see?/Please come back/To meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" lyrics and write something more profound and poetic. Well, in that case (besides the fact that keyboard players are totally hot) a whole line of philosophers await you to rip off some of their teachings and show them to that great shapeless mass that is your public.

Besides that, you'll just have to put on a really good show. Here are a few useful tips that will help you on the road to stardom.

After that, you'll become the most respected and feared human being in the World. I'm not talking about the Pope; I'm not talking about the president of the U.S.A, China or Russia; I'm not talking about Bill Gates' or Steve Jobs' bastard son/daughter; I'm talking about being

A MUSICIAN

Spaced out

2010-04-27T18:33:00.004+03:00

Don't forget your towel.

Captain's log. Stardate 455601.

It's been two months now since we left the Earth towards new and unexplored galaxies and planets. The official reason is that of exploring other star systems and even the search of other intelligent life forms, but I'm actually in it for the booty. Suffice to say that everything's running smoothly, even though today's such a boring and hot day. Actually I don't even know wether it's day or night, but judging by the star that's closing towards us, it's da...

OH SH..!

Captain's log. Supplemental. Stardate 455601.

That imbecile Scotty fell asleep on the wheel, again. It's the fourth time he's doing this and the fourth time he's driving. How can someone be so careless and reckless without even thinking of other people's lives? It's guys like him that run over other innocent pedestrians back on Earth and get away with it thanks to a cute glance in their eyes. I never should have promoted him to the driver position. Come to think of it, I never should have adopted him from that dog pen.

Anyhow, this ship's a staple of modern technology and spaceship construction, even though it's not a staple of spaceship design, and every other human being (other than the ship's designers themselves) who hasn't already been struck by lightning, glaucoma, carpal tunnel syndrome, Alzheimer and terminal stage of the "axe-to-the-head" disease will definitely agree with me that you won't be able to impress (or intimidate, for that matter) any extraterrestrial life form if your own ship looks like a potato.

The little spots are the gun turrets.

Although ugly, this is one of the most advanced spaceships ever to come out of the Earth's atmosphere without exploding. Our scientists first tried to implement a "black hole Hawking radiation" propulsion system into the ship. Which means that a parabolic reflector would reflect Hawking radiation from an artificial black hole, thus making the ship travel slower than the speed of light, but hey, we're in no hurry. People said they couldn't do it, that they couldn't make it possible...and the people were right. Thanks to quantum physics and its constant surprises, scientists still haven't managed to build this kind of propulsion system.

But hey, who needs a ship who runs on blackhole Hawking radiation when you have a warp drive? Or as it's commonly known (only by scientists, which actually doesn't make it that common): Alcubierre drive. Yes, this is everybody's propulsion system of choice! Remember when you were a kid and wanted to travel to Tatooine to kick Jabba the Hutt's ass, but never could because of the ancient fossil fuel propulsion systems on Earth? Remember how awesome you thought a warp drive would be? Well, multiply it by 1000. That's why I love my job.

The image I'm about to show you demonstrates the very concept of an Alcubierre drive:

This sad excuse for an artistic image shows how that central region is propelled thanks to the contracting and expanding of the other opposing regions. Or as Alcubierre simply put it in the particular form he studied:

Which is quite simple. All you have to understand from this is that we're rolling with such a high speed that the last time we passed by Rigil Kentaurus (commonly known as Alpha Centauri), we kindly promoted its planets from spherical planets to doughnut-shaped asteroids. Soon enough, Superman handed his cape to the authorities and applied for the position of janitor out of pure shame.

Warp drive - budget edition.

Captain's Log. Stardate 455654.

I'm still trying to figure out the significance of the numbers next to "stardate", I know one thing though: I feel cool when using them, so I don't feel like quitting soon enough.

We've had another Xenomorph raid this morning; they were searching for some milk and sugar. Well, they found both the milk and sugar. And took it all. Together with the only black man (or african-american, for sensible souls) and the only blonde on this spaceship. We only took the black dude as a member of the crew because our superiors said we should be politically correct, as for the blonde chick....she got stuck in the ventilation shaft when we first took off. We only found her because she was screaming something about "recording the current episode of Desperate Housewives".

Anyhow, I said to myself: "I shall have this no more!" so I started training in the ancient art of kung fu just like Neo did.

Except that I downloaded the wrong program into my mind. I mean, instead of downloading some cool "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" styles of fighting, I downloaded a bunch of spanish soap opera episodes and the Macarena videoclip. Thus, for several hours I kept turning my head in a dramatic manner.

Also, I noticed that I started talking in Spanish almost instantly for absolutely no reason. It was kind of difficult to let my crew members know my thoughts and ideas while screaming "Feliz Navidad!" every two seconds.

Todavía se está manifestando. Definitivamente tengo que hacer algo al respecto. O bien, empiezo a sentir como un inmigrante ilegal.

Captain's log. Supplemental. Stardate 455654.

Eventually, I got rid of that sinful information, giving it in exchange for some bestiality porn and some chapters of Kama Sutra - Zero Gravity Space Edition. So I decided to teach myself how to fight the classic and ancient way: by watching a training film, studying the moves shown there and trying them against a worthy adversary.

And so I did, against our very own protocol droid who's more skilled in making sandwiches than wielding a knife. I have to admit that I never could have guessed before this fight that I can be folded so easily. Also, the mere fact that I eventually fitted into a 30-centimeter box was so flabbergasting that I ripped the whole space-time continuum with my screams. Of joy, nonetheless.

Captain's log. Stardate 567893.

I just received some news from Earth. A group of scientists have finally discovered what causes the elusive Sprite lightning. Although lots of scientists tried to explain the causes of a Sprite, none were as succesful as this particular group. It turns out that while flying into the upper atmosphere, a legendary Thunderbird can release gasses so powerful (thanks to its bean-rich nutrition) during its flight that it can literally spark a certain number of such lightnings. This solution comes as a great shock to all the other scientists, seeing that nobody had ever expected, until three days ago, that the Thunderbird exists and that beans could grow so high in the Earth's atmosphere.

"Beans" is for danger.

This afternoon we also came across one of the biggest stars in the known Universe (which is almost 10% of the actual, hypothetical, size of the Universe): VY Canis Majoris a.k.a. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKit'sbig". Yes, people, this one is big. Really big. Incredibly big. What's your definition of "big"? Well, multiply it by 1000.000.000 and you'll probably grasp the concept of "huge". Let me help you out a bit:

Yes, that speck of dust that you see over there is our Sun. Well, ain't that a bitch?

If you still can't process the imensity and the ballsiness of VY Canis Majoris, let me help you out a bit more:

Simply put, if anybody had his balls the size of VY Canis Majoris, he could be crowned as the Grand and Supreme Ruler of The Universe without ever being overthrown. Obviously, this star WILL eventually die, by a hypernova. Which is only the greatest explosion you'll ever see, immediately putting all the Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Tunguska and Brainiac explosions (altogether) to shame.

Also, did you know that if you would have a big enough bathtub full of water and put Jupiter in it, the planet would simply float on the water's surface? That's thanks to Jupiter's extremely low density.

Right now, Jupiter's giving you the finger.

Especially if you're a girl.

However, if you think that Jupiter is the biggest asshole in this whole Universe, then you should probably choose another species, something like a monkey or ferret. Because you obviously don't deserve a brain that big. Introducing the blackhole. Of course, everybody has heard about the blackhole in their lifetime. Blackholes are real motherfuckers that don't care about anything in the world and their sole purpose is to attract objects that happen to pass by and destroy them. Now, should the blackhole be a wife, the power would be multiplied by 1.000.000.

The blackhole's one of the greatest mysteries in the Universe and contrary to popular belief, a blackhole isn't actually a "hole". It's a spherical space body that simply has its gravity field sooooooo powerful that it can even absorb light. With the power of Ninja! Just like those sad human beings that still live with their parents and waste their money. It is sometimes formed after a star explodes into a supernova, and I say "sometimes" because most of the times, after a supernova, the Neutron Star is born instead of a blackhole.

This is a simple diagram that even an amoeba could understand. Hope you have no difficulties with it. That "sheet of paper" is the Universe, the space-time continuum. As you can see, the Sun does slightly distort the space-time continuum, although not dramatically. Every object that gets close to it, is captured and doomed to spin around the Sun forever!

In the white dwarf's case...well, let me put it this way: do you remember those days when you were just hitting puberty and you suddenly felt like interacting with the opposite sex? It was the first time you liked a girl or a boy and you were writing some sad excuses for love poems, trying to get her or his attention,. All that energy put in just to fail, in the end. Well, the white dwarf has nothing to do with it. Things are almost the same with the Sun's case except that the white dwarf is a "heavy" motherfucker.

The neutron star is one special kid. When a dying star explodes into a supernova, its core is mashed so hard into a spherical object so dense and heavy that it significantly distorts the time and space around it. And it's also really, really, really small. Try to imagine a golf ball with the weight of a sky-scraper and you got the picture.

Now the blackhole, as you see, is ruthless as Hell. It distorts the space and time around it so much, that...well, you can only hope your Will is safe and sound back on Earth. How would a blackhole look like?

Just minutes before you die.

Should you get sucked in a blackhole, there's nothing much to do but relax and think about what was going through your mind when you decided to buy this travel pack. Once you reach a blackhole's singularity, every particle in your body will be mashed and scrambled and for the first time in your life you'll finally be hot. Literally.

The only people that would benefit from a blackhole will be KFC. Nobody will be able to cook chicken faster than this. You simply throw a chicken into the "Blackhole Oven 3000" and hopefully it will get out in the "WhiteHole Oven 2000" next to it. For, indeed, it is believed that white holes also exist, which have the role of expelling the matter that has previously been sucked in by any other blackhole. Technically it closely resembles a wormhole system.

Captain's log. Stardate 5432...ah, you know what? Fuck it!

So we've finally been contacted by intelligent alien life forms! It is a glorious day for humanity and I'm glad of taking part in it. Contrary to your beliefs, these certain aliens don't really resemble the little grey men from the popular culture. The closest you can get to picturing the ones we're currently talking to is reminding yourself how teachers generally see school/high-school/college/etc. students.

Apparently this makes them a totally boring life form, that is unable to party, not to mention having sex. We'll eject them as soon as possible.

As it turns out, they found us before we found them. Like any normal human being that has any idea of the SETI program's trials to contact any intelligent alien life form, I initially thought that they found us thanks to the Earth scientists (Carl Sagan, especially) and their Arecibo message and Pioneer plaque. But they didn't. Apparently, those messages were kind of boring to these creatures so full of joy and love of life and they didn't pay that much attention to them.

Colours were not included.

But they did found us thanks to this guy:

Yes, that's a wooden leg.

He's that cool.

Joe Davis is a brilliant scientist (as he likes to call himself) and an utterly fucked-up mad scientist (as the whole World likes to call him). He wasn't really happy with the Arecibo message and the Pioneer plaque sent into space by Carl Sagan & Co, because he felt them to be too...sexist. Translated into a more friendly language, this means he was rather offended by the lack of female genitalia in those messages.

Yes, he was pissed because we didn't send the aliens pictures of human females' vaginas. So he rounded up the Boston Ballet, inserted microphones into their vaginas, recorded the sounds made by those contracting vaginas and shot them into outer.fucking.space. Towards the Tau Ceti star and Epsilon Eridani.

Thus, he became the first man to transmit the sound of contracting vagina into space. Suck on this, Picard!

Captain's log. Supplemental. Stardate hmfhfmffmffI'mnevergoingtodrinkagain....

After having a few beers with these Xenobrains (as we like to call them), we've noticed that we have pretty much in common: both species have a fetish for feet and want peace in the world. We even found a solution to end wars on Earth in a manner so effective, it's completely foolproof.

Eventually we had to leave those sorry bastards behind and search for other, more interesting alien life forms. Space, the final frontier.

Lol.

"I have a man. What about it?"

2010-04-17T23:32:00.003+03:00

"The independent woman's guide"

So you're a woman, eh? You just got yourself a boyfriend and you're so extatic about it you even think you love him. Now, before you want to take that important step in a relationship ("the psycho girlfriend phase") you might want to assure yourself that the man you chose, the very ape descendant that sits on the couch beside you at this very moment, is as loyal to you as you will be to him....or hope to be....ah, well....let's just see what happens, you don't make promises.

Thus, let us first give a definition to the male of the Homo Sapiens species. Despite the fact that they look like you, they actually come from a very distant galaxy far, far away from the planet Procyon B. This planet's landscape kind of resembles a woman's breasts and bottoms, which might explain the strange attraction of males towards them. Obviously, they miss home.

What's a man? This is a complicated question that automatically implies a complicated answer, you'll notice, however, that the answer is in fact quite simple.

Yes, the human male. Slightly larger than a pig, slightly smarter than an amoeba.

The amoeba, however, DOES know

how to open a bra.

Apparently very simple by nature, they usually "hang out" in larger groups composed of them and other exponents of their gender usually talking about how cool they are and how bitchy women are.

Because men are über cool!

And God bless, you do have one! Sure, it took a while to catch him in your snare and you sometimes ask yourself what the fuck was going through your head? It is clear that he didn't trick you or anything because YOU are the one that tricked him into this love foolosophy, so the fact that you wound up with this guy must be your mistake. Very well then, there's no use in crying over spilt milk now. You have a man and you have to stand by him, even if you sometimes feel like decorating the whole living room just with the contents of his head. There's a certain "je ne sais quoi" he has, the stupid things that he does just to please your pretentious ass, the lovely way in which he manages to treat you like a sex toy and a human slave. Where was he all your life?

Usually the child male isn't that attractive, well, at least some of them. Their first stages of life somewhat resemble a half-baked tortilla with chilli sauce spread on it. Don't try to make anything out of this. It has no sense. Anyhow, once reaching adolescence they're quickly rejected by their female counterparts, thus leading to years of severe inferiority complexes and maybe even suicide.

Neah, just kidding. As it turns out, the male's aspect can change so dramatically that years after you rejected that shy and nerdy bloke you'll probably be all wrapped around him.

He probably used to play the tuba or something.

Fortunately for you, most of the dudes you'll ever meet are not going to be the "lumberjack" type, with natural skills in natural woman make-up, no. The World has evolved a notch since the Stone Age, therefore men all over the planet have turned from the activity of cutting down trees to several other activities that allow them to blend in with the females around them, thus pussifying themselves.

With great succes.

However, in order to peacefully live with a man, you need to know a couple of things that can save you mental health. Oh yes, these motherfuckers are simple minded bastards, but as simple as they are, they can fuck you up completely, just by opening their mouth.

Men are pigs, we all know that. They are sexually obsessed bastards that think of sex anytime, at any hour, be it day or night.

"Mmm....smells like sex!"

There isn't a day to pass without hearing that a man, a lunatic raped a poor old defenseless woman. See that dude out the window? He's probably walking and thinking at the same time of raping that woman to his left.
You must learn to protect you from such filthy specimens, therefore you must know a man's likes, dislikes and weaknesses. This could be a life saver. Of course, you could not wash your teeth for a whole week, in order to repel any man, but there's not too much of a chance of that working.
Studies show that in general men find women attractive even if the latter ones have a paperbag on their head. Another breakthrough study that has been conducted by our scientists shows that, also in general, most men prefer their pair with a paperbag on their head anyway.

So as I said a few seconds ago, men are filthy animals that only want you for your pussy, and I'm not talking about your pet (this WAS a good joke). According to certain scholars, men are so vicious when it comes to their lust for sex that even the slightest smile from a woman can be misunderstood and lead to a disaster more powerful that the one that took place in Tunguska.

"Gangbang!"

In order for you to protect yourself from this peril, watch and learn from the muslim woman. She does know how dangerous the man really is and truly tries to protect herself.

Because when it comes to men, oh brother!....there isn't a single one that can behave like a normal human being, absolutely none of them. Men are pigs and, to put it quite simply: men are all the same.

Just like the asians....right?

And you must admit that you are always tempted to grab their balls and feed them to the sharks (after you burnt them with acid). You can almost picture it, in HD so you can thoroughly enjoy it. What am I talking about? Well, do you remember the last time when that morbidly obese (who the fuck invented this term, anyway?) dude was hitting on you by insisting he invented the lipstick? Well, most of them do think they're so cool, they're going to freeze everything around them just by thinking of turnip flavoured ice-cream. And of course, being an independent woman yattayattayatta, you hate that. And you're definitely right, there's no place (according to the human male) that they can't "coolify" just by setting one foot in that place. We give to you, exhibit A (and thank god, the only one):

Men's humour isn't all what's cracked up to be. Sure, women like a man who has a sense of humour, but some of them take this concept and run with it, taking it further, into unknown realms, where chickens have created military empires while humanity is no longer a threat to anyone and the sole human being that can overthrow the Chicken Empire is a paraplegic janitor who coincidentally is a lover, not a fighter.

Totally unrelated pic.

But still cool.

Of course, there are some men who still maintain their wit when it comes to humour and...no, wait...there isn't anyone left. I mean, just look at the last (or all) Movies: Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie, etc. They're full of dick jokes, no wonder women think they're so obsessed by sex, God damn it! And besides, men jokes are stupid and childish.

But with all that in mind, you love your man and you wouldn't give him for anything in the world. Be it a bag of bread, a 2l bottle of perfectly drinkeable water or a diamond necklace.....or maybe not a diamond necklace, you'd definitely give him for a diamond necklace.

Recently, a study has been made on a group of one hundred men asking them to name ten things they know about women. The results were something like this:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.

Now that I think about it, it's clear you'd give him even for a bottle of cheap Cola.

Do not despair however, we know you'll find one asshole and douchebag you'll eventually fall in love with. It turns out (at least these guys say it) that only thanks to your sorry ass douchebags still exist. Yes, those guys you sooooo hate. Girls like "bad boys". Who knows? But the fact that they are still not out of the gene pool means that somebody wanted them to stay there.

Also (as Jimmy Carr puts it), studies show that 75% of the car accidents worldwide are caused by men. Do you know what that means? The rest of the 25% percent are caused by bloody women! This is why you are so left out of all this driving thing, you're a menace!

Anyhow, the biggest problem you'll have when it comes to colours.
"What do you mean fuchsia? What the fuck is fuchsia?" is one of the things you'll be hearing a lot from they're mouth.

Anyhow, you still need us ladies, even if we manage to create artificial sperm. Unfortunately for you, they'll be stored in jars.

2010-04-10T20:02:00.002+03:00

Just because we can (?)

Earth Day Special

2010-03-27T23:35:00.007+02:00

We interrupt our usual program to bring you some hot material. We have just received the news that a conflict between God and the people of Earth has risen a few moments ago. As we all know, 27th of March of every year is the international Day of The Earth. On this day, at 20:30 EET, all people are "welcomed" to turn off the lights in their home as to somehow help the Earth in becoming stronger and to make Captain Planet real.

This evening is no exception, and milions and milions of Romanians and billions of people worldwide campaigned for other people (that somehow don't include these milions of people who campaigned in the first place) to take action. But something will happen in a few minutes, something that will upset the natural balance of the eternal battle between light and darkness, life and death, beauty and ugliness, gorgonzola and mozzarella.

Do not try to adjust your monitor (and close that porn window, will ya? this is some serious shit, right here), this is the Twilight Zone.

We have our reporter at the site of the conflict who will explain to us what happened, how did it happen and especially what can we do to keep it happening. 张非?

"Thank you, Bob. As we all know God is the creator of everything, as most modern religions state, title that lets him do whatever he wants and thus grant him the title of douche-bag. Besides making bets with the Devil and killing people as a result to that, and then doing Jedi mind-tricks on all the others, God has a special 'recipe for disaster' which consists of him constantly changing the natural order of things and fucking with the weather. Thanks to him, Charlie, our local weatherman had to be sent to the Sanatorium for wearing a bowling pin as an extension to his coccis and saying that he invented James Bond's punchlines. So anyway, last night at 20:30 (Earth Hour) God went to the bathroom in order to take a leak and somehow landed with the face in a very conveniently positioned pie. Apple pie. Getting all angry, he suddenly said 'let there be light!' exactly like he did 4.5 billion years ago (or 6000 years, for the amnesiacs) in order to see things better. But to no avail. The light didn't come, apparently being stopped by the police for speeding. Yes, the human police stopped the light and ticketed it for speeding because it was Earth Hour anyhow and it should have stayed with the kids home. God got even angrier and swore his revenge, stating that he would have seen the pie in front of him if (and I quote) 'it weren't for these meddling kids!' What we're having here is an international crysis: angels fighting against lawyers, demons playing rugby with pop tarts. A serious thing, a serious war. Oh, the humanity!"

Thank you 张非, it seems that we really do have a situation here. We now have a guest in our studio, the famous Dr. Sly Stallonovich, member of a secret organization that controls the World from the shadows, who will talk to us about the Earth Hour, and the importance of it for our lives and especially Earth's life. Dr. Sly, if you please:

"Turning off the lights didn't change shit."

And they really didn't, as one angry viewer tells us:

"Turning off the lights to help the Earth?! What the fuck are you babbling about, you peanutbutter-based lifeforms?! In case you didn't notice, you have up to ten lights in your house, or something like that. Presuming that you live in a flat with four rooms (most of you don't even have that many rooms) and you're currently sitting in one room and watching the TV, chances are that the lights in the other rooms are already turned off because you don't use them and you're also scared by the fucking gigantic electricity bills you have to pay anyway. Oh, and as a matter of fact: don't you turn off the lights while sleeping? Do you keep them all on every night? Who the fuck do you think you are? Bill Gates? Most people sleep with the lights turned off, and since most people sleep in general for seven or eight hours a night, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT OF THE YEAR, that means that people usually turn off all of the lights for seven (7) or eight (8) hours a night, every day. So one hour of turned off lights only on the 27th of March doesn't really make those 7-8 hours of turned off lights tremble with fear. And there's something telling me that during daytime you also keep them turned off. Hey, you want an idea on how to help the Earth? Go and throw out the rubbish and put it exactly where you should. And speaking of electricity, how about turning off the lights AND unpluging all of your electric appliances? Yes, including the fridge.

This is a fridge. It uses electricity.

Welcome to Earth.

Hopefully your stay here will be short.

And since most of you people do not use those Class A refrigerators which considerably save electricity, but old ones that you most probably bought when the wheel was a luxury, you might as well unplug them, with anything else that uses electricity and lies in your sorry excuse for a house. You know, even if you turn off the TV, laptop, pc or whatever, it still uses electricity if it's connected to the socket. And according to scientists, they do use more electricity rather than one (or even five) fucking lightbulb! Oh, and if this doesn't work for you, keep in mind that every day there are milions of people in this World that don't even have lightbulbs in their homes, still relying on candles. So technically their sparing electricity for you, every single day. "

There you have it folks, two people that do know they're sh...hang on a bit, this has just came in. We have an official statistic that shows us the people who turned of the lights on the date of 27 March....hold on, yes, here it is:

75% people turned off the lights wanting to have sex

45% of these people turned off the light because their partner was (we quote) "beaten with an ugly stick" and unbearable to look at

12% people turned off the lights thanks to various external factors such as: blackouts, poltergeists, mother-in-laws knocking at their front door, curiosity of how does the switch work, pranks, death, surprise parties, breaking the lightbulbs, reliving the past supposed 3756 or so Armageddons, wanting to see how a blind man sees the world, being blind anyway, etc.
10% people turned off the lights because they heard everybody does it anyway
3% people turned off the lights because they genuinely thought this would help

Unfortunately, these very mistakes are the things that define us as human beings. Upsetting God is an easy thing to do, I mean, look at the jews in The Old Testament, all they wanted was to see what did the Covenant contain. It could had been a stripper, you never know.

Hold on, something's coming from the other line. Yes 张非?

"As it turns out, spirits have calmed down in the last few hours: lawyers won the war against the angels, since the angels didn't manage to prove their own existence. This epic war's story will soon be told in the new (and surprisingly, eigth) Harry Potter novel called 'Harry Potter and The Epic War He Didn't Take Any Part In' which already smells like a bestseller: onions and fetta cheese. The God team used a mix of allies, consisting of Darth Vader, indian hits and broccoli cupcakes against the Human team who used an interesting mix of Sean Paul's 'Temperature', Malcolm XXX and fucked up Japanese comic strips.

One noticeable event was that of the battle between Vader who tried to stop the people from planting a flag (for no apparent reason). At first, he did not have any results by using the Force, but eventually used kind words and explained to them that by planting the flag, they'll hurt Mother Earth's skin, giving her rashes and that's totally not nice.

Malcolm XXX is a special agent on the Human team who fought bravely against the harp playing Cherubs and as a result gained the status of XXX and the right to modify any James Bond quote he wishes.

Malcolm XXX knows no fear.

The "Temperature" song by Sean Paul also did a great deal of damage especially to the demons, for they couldn't believe their ears, knowing that their notion of evil against the level of evil this song shows is somehow equivalent to a two-year old that knows Kung Fu compared to a relatively agile fat woman that wants to rape and have you for dinner.

The Japanese tried to bring the level of "fucked-up"-ness to....well, a whole new level (fit for the XXIst Century) and eventually managed to do so by morphing one of their best known animes into the mother of all things that-shouldn't-had found-their-way-out-into-the-world:

Uhm...Pika-pika...

It turns out that by the end of this special news bulletin, the war has already finished with the God team winning and taking all the spoils. What a truly marvelous happening! Bob."

Yes 张非, truly marvelous. We also asked the Earth and several other troubled people "Did the turned off lights help you out?" while 张非 was giving us news from the battlefield:

Earth: "How about not spilling any oil in the ocean instead of playing with the God damn switches?!"

Russian peasant: "What the fuck is electricity?"

6-year old child dying of hunger: "Could you spare some food?"

There you have it folks, the naked truth. Thank you for tuning in on this special news bulletin, and remember: "if you have an idea with milions of followers, then it's a stupid idea".

"I have a woman. What do I do with her?"

2010-03-17T11:09:00.001+02:00

"Finding the G spot has never been so easy!"

So you're a dude and after countless days and nights spent without any sleep, hours imbued with alcohol and loneliness, you finally met a girl. A girl that actually wants to stand by your sorry ass and is determined to give you the love you were so desperately searching for, help you out with life's downs and enjoy its ups. Or simply a girl who wants to have sex with you.

Now, let's say we got over the initial shock when hearing that there are actual girls, no, human beings that would go out with you. Probably you're not as fat as you were once upon a time and the cure did work, she probably does like you're passion for collecting spoons and watching snake documentaries on National Geographic, Hell...nature has its errors. And obviously, you're not the first one.

Before anything else we have to firstly establish the definition for "woman/girl". The woman is a member of the Animalia kingdom, Chordata phylum, Mammalia class, Primates order, Hominidae family, Homininae subfamily, Hominini tribe, Homo genus, Homo Sapiens species but who oddly enough comes from Venus. Many theories were enounced by some of the World's greatest minds. Where did the women come from? Why did they land on Earth? What's they're role? So they tried to find the answers...and tried and tried and tried....and tried until Albert Einstein finally broke down into tears and said: "Fuck this shit! I'm going to study relativity!". Yes, as it turns out studying the whole time and space....thing was far more easier than studying women.

See what they did?!

Let's be honest though. Women are mostly the same as us. Erase whatever you thought and learned about them and restart your "journey of knowledge" with this in mind: women are the same as men.

Then again, chimps share 99% of our DNA, but that doesn't make them human, does it?

So, with that in mind, let's get started, for I, Doppelgänger, will share with you all the things you need to know in order to live a peaceful life beside a woman. But since nothing good in this World comes without you working your ass off for a large amount of time and spending large amounts of energy, I present to you the

Prologue

The Hunt

It's no secret that you have to conquer a woman before arriving to ANY base. Now, for those of you who think that camouflage and camo clothes are a lifestyle and the best things that ever happened to your being, I'll have to clarify the term "conquer", before you do something incredibly stupid: when I say "conquer" I'm definitely not refering to the "two-armies-fight-over-a-teritory-to-gain-control-of-it-by-using-multiple-types-of-weapons-and-brutally-scourging-the-earth-and-leaving-dead-bodies-everywhere" type of conquering.

"Tonight we'll have girlfriends!!!"

Trust me, no woman will ever appreciate spear marks on her back and a fist produced bruise would definitely not be included in the "love marks" category. You'll have to take great care of her and treat her gently even from this stage, eventually take care of her even more than you do when it comes to your socks.

On the flipside, chances are you'll just meet your future girlfriend by simply having some random sex. Hopefully you trimmed your hair. You know, from down-under. Although let's face it, scientists are way closer to finding the Higgs boson than you finding someone to simply have sex with, at random.

Don't be a douche-bag, don't be an emo kid, being self-confident is ok, writing poems to the dolphins is ok, just don't overreact.

The perfect lover.

Speaking of sex. Don't be afraid to talk to her about sex. It is a common misconception that men are so obsessed with sex that they think about it even when they mow the lawn.

"I'm coming, Honey!"

The truth is that women think of sex at least as much as we men do. Forget all those stories about angelic virgins and shit like that. They still exist but you should forget about them nonetheless. It might come as a great shock to your XIX-th century brain, but at one point she'll literally start to ask herself "Is he ever going to fuck me?". Many of them ar more horny and perverted than you'll ever be and would most definitely put the Marquis de Sade to shame. So talk about sex as much as you like, just don't overdo it.

For additional information on how to pick-up girls, you might want to try the "Vanilla Ice" technique which includes elements of surrealism and douche-baggery at their finest. You can find it in his blockbuster movie "Cool as Ice". It's totally worth it.

If it's not working in real life, you can always try a matrimonial site. There's always someone for everyone there.

I expect to be dead by dinner time.

Chapter I

Fifty First Dates

Good, you probably managed to get her attention by now. If not, return to the prologue, reread it for twenty or so times then perform a ritual suicide and get yourself out of our gene pool. If you did manage to get her attention, you'll have to keep it now. What? Did you for some reason think that it was all over? Ha! You still have a lot to do, young padawan.

First of all, take her to the movies. Now you see, this is a potential minefield. You could go to a movie she likes, but you'll end up boring yourself so much that even if she gives you some sex after that, you'll be so bored that you'll instantly fall asleep; then again, you could go to a movie you like completely destroying every chance you had (or could have had) at this woman. The perfect solution is to find a film that suits the both of you.

Oh shit. It's on now!

Now, since she's a woman, you'll have to bring her nice presents, even some flowers. Even if she says she doesn't want any flowers. Every woman, however Nazi she might be, has feelings. Feelings that can be easily hurt, so be careful what you say or what you give her as a present.

You might try to give her some teddy bears, or even some "I can haz cheezburger"-type postcards. She'll most definitely like'em.

Also, buying her "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare" doesn't make it into the "gifts-for-ma'-lady" category, neither does the "Full Option Paintball Combat Kit". Remember, the fact that she's shouting from your left "Wooohoooo! 25 frags! That's my boy!" doesn't mean she would gladly play a multiplayer deathmatch with you (or with anybody for that matter), neither does the fact that laughing while watching a guy being kicked in the balls guarantee that you'd also like it. Buy her something nice, something simbolic that can go straight to her heart, make her understand that you almost love her and shut her mouth.

Ka-chiiiiiiiiiing!

Or to put it straight, and explain it better and in simpler terms so you can properly understand it: no nice gift, no pussy.

Also, chicks like latin shit. You might as well learn samba, lambada or even limbo. And if you really want to seduce your girlfriend to the point of no return you should try some tango and start learning the lyrics to all the Enrique Iglesias, Julio Iglesias or Rafaga songs. It will be an instant hit, ending up in thirty days of love-making.

This is a big NO.

(also, what the Hell is that dude with the trumpet doing there? Wiping his feet?)

It is recommended for you to make lots of jokes and be funny, there's nothing a woman hates more than a dull guy. Be spontaneous and funny, and by funny I'm not refering to those jokes you usually entertain yourself and your mates with at the local pub. No, your joke about the sausage that came into a pie that every other guy wants to hear is not welcomed here. The jokes have to be witty and smart. You also have to be careful on when you tell these jokes and how you tell them, because this could be the difference between life and death. Yours, to be more exact. Let's say your girlfriend had a bad day....something like....she's been raped. Yes, this would do. Your girlfriend had a bad day because she was raped. Now, although your first reaction would be to poke her gently on her right shoulder and say something like "Well sport, life's like a box of chocolates..." you might want to reconsider that. It would only make you the main protagonist in a scene that would make the Charles Manson family proud. You have to comfort and make her cross this dark forest with you by her side.

No.

Chapter II

The War of The Ring

So you finally told her you love her and probably even engaged (no, not in battle) or married her. This is when shit gets really serious. In order for you to maintain the flame of passion you have to work overtime. Technically you'll just do the same things you've done before, but to a greater extent. All you have to do is to make sure this relationship doesn't slip into oblivion.

You have to treat your woman exactly like you treat your World of Warcraft level 70 Tauren Druid. With great love and care.

The look of Love.

Chapter III

The Day The Earth Stood Still

Somehow, something went wrong. She dumped you. Well, I was kind of expecting that, why hide it from you? What are you going to do? If you're currently in front of the tv/pc/laptop, eating a whole bucket of ice-cream and crying while watching "Sweet November" or "I love you New York" then a woman wasn't exactly what you were looking for. You kind of missed the gender of your lover.

Snap out of it, listen to some cheerful music, change your face (find a good plastic surgeon) and return to the Prologue of this book. Restart the journey. Retry, retry, retry, you'll eventually get the lucky ticket.

Although you're still a loser.

Addenda

Victoria's Secrets

There are two important secrets you must know. Actually you should've known them before you started this journey in the first place, but you didn't, which might be the cause of your demise. But still.

Let's get this straight: every woman thinks she's beautiful, and so God help me, most of them are! But besides the "most of them" category, there is the "beaten with an ugly stick" category of women that think that they're beautiful and won't let you touch them even if it means just kissing her on the cheek, because you don't deserve it. This sucks.

Death by torture seems

like a reasonable solution now.

If you encounter one of these women, simply pull out a mirror and point it at her. She should immediately experience a violent cough and strange urge to dance the Macarena. Eventually this will lead to exhaustion and if she keeps dancing until the break of dawn, she'll most likely transform into a little nazi gerbil that you quickly have to set on fire.

Speaking of sex, contrary to what porn teaches you (which is still a great teacher, unlike de Kama Sutra) women don't really like to be pummeled like you're operating a jackhammer and they're a cement plaque, although most women really like it rough. But you know, last night when she said she'd like to have some sexual role play, she definitely wasn't thinking of this.

"Little Red Riding Hood?

Fuck no! This one's better."

Also, in the end, a scientific found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

And that's kind of it. Remember these were sample chapters from my besteller book that's due to come out somewhere in 2011, with the title "How I started a new life with the help of Doppelgänger". Eventually if you have anything to add, give me a buzz and I'll be sure not to answer.

Steampunk's grandma

2010-03-10T12:19:00.001+02:00

"Under pressure."

After taking a little and quick sneak peek over the Renaissance and the Age of Discovery, it's now time to advance to the Industrial Revolution. Oh, and what a joyful time that was! Kids were working their asses off (you know, back then, kids of your age didn't have cell phones)...same goes for the adults (except the rich ones), technology was advancing at the speed of a cocaine fueled snail and Queen Victoria turned the U.K. and Commonwealth into a super-power.

But first, let's take another peek at "the roaring 1700s". Well, to be honest, it was quite boring. Nothing actually really happened besides some wars. But do not despair, for I, Doppelgänger, have searched deep into the archives of Microsoft's Encarta Premium 2009 and found some noteworthy events.

First of all, I gladly anounce that sometime in the year 1700 the solo concertos became popular. Yes, exactly in that very year, artists worldwide started to be acknowledged for their skills in playing an instrument and/or composing marvelous concertos. Thanks to this evolution in the understanding and making of music, a strange phenomenon started occuring all over Europe, which was nicknamed "purple rain".

Second of all, Jethro Tull invents the Seed Drill in 1701. I shit you not. Jethro Tull really did invent the seed drill, a horse-drawn device that dropped seeds in rows, allowing for orderly row planting and regular crop cultivation between the rows. We can safely deduce from this that in the XVIIIth Century farmers didn't quite make it to work as sober as we'd generally like to believe.

Also, I'm not talking about this Jethro Tull.

Third of all, Bartolemeo Christofori, a harpsichord maker would soon create gravicembalo col piano e forte which is Italian for "piano", but you can still use it as an insert in any pick-up line. You'll seem smarter, way smarter. The Piano had a greater expressive power than the harpsichord or clavichord. It also opened the door to new ways of torture and brainwashing techniques.

Some other important things happened that I'm too lazy to tell you about like the fact that in 1725 Antonio Vivaldi composes The Four Seasons (the only piece of classical music many of you will ever know), in 1742 the Celsius Scale is adopted, which is quite a happy thought since I don't really like the Fahrenheit and Kelvin scales and neither do I like wearing only shorts in the middle of winter, also in 1756 a man from Manchester does something.

And thus, we arrive to the year 1780 when the actual Industrial revolution starts. Basically, during this period technology had a huge boner and started seeding almost everything it met, it started raping all fields of life giving birth to all sorts of new things. This was met with great enthusiasm.

Yeah, it's true that James Watt did invent the steam engine which propelled technology in such a way that is equivalent to a level 85 Necromancer in World of Warcraft. Thanks to the steam engine, we and our kids can spend our days in a happier and more refreshing manner, having our lives made easier.

Choochoo!

Yes, it's true that it sparked our further evolution, but we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about swimsuits.

No, I kid you not. This really was a swimsuit, back in the days (1858 to be more exact). We've all heard that the less the woman reveals, the more arousing it is for us men. But this is ridiculous.

This sort of "swimsuit" was the state of the art in the 1800s thanks to the material it was made from...well, I don't know what material it was made from, so stop looking at me like that. Safe to say it was made from fabrics that would not become transparent when wet. They also had weights sewed into the hems as to not rise up in the water. So much for the "swim" part of the suit, because that's what women really want when they go to the beach, the constant thrill of the posibility that they might drown every second because someone forgot to take notice of the "swim" in the "swimsuit". Hey, at least they'll be drowning in a more decent manner.

Unfortunately for the ladies this wasn't all, mostly because people back then soooooo enjoyed to hide everything that was natural. So I guess several couples of old puritan hags met on a rainy Sabbath night and whispered to themselves: "This cannot go on...this is enough! This is madness! This is Spa.." you know what? I'm not going to do this joke, what is enough is enough. So anyhow, getting bored of all that country line dancing and the Bingo game they were currently playing, these forefathers of the Universe that probably helped God design the very concept of time and evolution thought to themselves that they should fuck up things even more. So we got this:

a.k.a. Bathing Machine

The bathing machine's that thing that looks like a carriage, beside those totally hot and sexy women. What women would do is enter the bathing machine and change into their "swimsuits". While they were doing this, someone would push the machine into the ocean after which the woman would come out and have a bath hidden from the eyes of the world.

As you can see, people weren't that keen on sex those days. It's a miracle we even got here! These people often give you the impression that they would rather pet crocodiles than having sex. Honestly, how the fuck were we born?!

It turns out that their view on sex wasn't THAT nihilistic. Women who suffered from hysteria (which was a very loose term for....almost every affection known to humankind back then) were being masturbated by their doctors (who were probably shouting a distressed "woe is me!") to ease off the symptoms.

"The DIY guide to treating Hysterical women"

Speaking of sex and stuff like that, somewhere in the late 19th century the world evolves a notch when the Italian state decides to raise the minimum marriage age of girls to 12.

"He-e-ey!"

Meanwhile in England we are witnessing the beginning of the Victorian era, when the U.K. became an international superpower. Yes, thanks to a lady that looked like your aunt Muriel, more serious than Jim Levenstein when faced with the prospect of fucking and stealing the innocence of an apple pie, more skeptical looking than the Skeptical Hippo himself, England prospered so much that even today it is very common for a British to tell you proudly something like the fact that it was a lack of energy for you to be born, that you're such a simpleton that you can't even design your own creative garden, etc.

(I'm kidding, Simon's kind of right though.)

So they prospered, and prospered and prospered. People were so snobbishly happy. They were interested in drama, music, paintings and gardens, some of them even being elevated to the rank of art: I'm talking about the gardens. Well, at least that's what everyone says (I'm refering to the prosperity part), and by the sound of it you'd expect that every chap from 19th century England would instantly start a musical number in the street, like taking a magical journey. You know, because of the happiness.

He's just on his way to buy some apples.

Kids were also having fun....one way or another. Playing some stuff that was totally safe and non-lifethreatening.

We call this the

"Pull the coal tub out of the mine" game

Other richer kids used to play ball and other snobbish games that sissified young boys. So adults transformed it into a more manly and powerful game that eventually stood the test of time.

I'm refering to soccer hooliganism. No, soccer/football's still a sissy game. Hooliganism was such a manly game that even today almost everyone does it: fathers, sons, uncles, grandfather. Fun for the family! And by "almost everyone" I'm refering to the more cultivated ones. Hooliganism is an art, an art that teaches us about the hard knocks of life and prepares us for what's to come...if you are positioned by any chance in or somewhere near a football stadium.

Art, I tell you.

But this wasn't something to be let down by. People back then were still jolly with all those wars going around them, so jolly they started making colored calendars. I mean look at you house for example: why do you have wall calendars with women, landscapes, dogs, cats? So you can have a friendlier looking room. Right? So did they. Just for the fun of it, to lighten their homes and moods.

What the...

Ok, so this calendar was published by Antikamnia ("Opposed to pain"), a chemical company established in St.Louis. I haven't the slightest idea of what kind of pain they're supposed to be opposing. Pain inducted by iron crowbars piercing through your heart? Pain of being left alone? This looks more like some kind of warning: "See this, guys? They used our products. They're dead now, but happy." Each month had a unique drawing that would cause a huge amount of joy when looked upon. Apparently people DID hang these on their home's walls.

You know...

to lighten up the mood and shit.

And speaking of death and other jolly concepts, apparently back then if you were to commit suicide and not succeed you'd be charged and sentenced to death. Because that's the best way to punish a suicidal person. And while we're at it let's give a pedophile a 10 year-old to fuck until exhaustion, or let's torture a masochist. That'll teach'em.

In the clothing department, as Wikipedia states, the Victorian age is commonly known as a by-word for sexual repression. I mean you wouldn't want to be a man during that period and if you were a woman and know what's coming, you'd shoot yourself. Because, yes people, if you think your grandparents are great specimens of puritan motherfuckers, you should have seen these guys. Just like today's fundamentalist muslim population, if you were a woman you couldn't show anything except your face, and hands (ok fundamentalist muslims lose this one, I agree).

And if anyone saw your ankles....you'd have been in big shit. As in BIIIIIIIIIIG shit. It was scandalous, even more scandalous than drawing God with antlers.

Neah, I'm just messing with you. It's true that people were a bit more strict than today, but women were as sexy: clothes like the tight fitting jersey-dresses left little to the imagination and the corsets stressed the woman's sexuality. They even had this guide "The propper length of little girls' skirts at various ages", probably to protect young men from the horror of seeing and old hag's leg.

Anyhow, let's give them some credit. Jules Verne was born in 1828 and he was pretty awesome. I mean with all those predictions about man reaching far out into space and stuff, yeah he thought centuries ahead of him. Although, people that century did predict some awesome stuff that we kind of failed miserably to accomplish. First of all, one prediction was that we wouldn't have anymore Mosquitoes or Flies. Why did we fail so miserably? Because of our compassion that makes us weak, I'm serious. It turns out that the solution to all of this (as thought by them) was by exterminating the entire horse species. AND THEY FUCKING LOVED HORSES! Smooth...

Also, we would have personal flying machine and study something like this:

Whoah...stop the presses! Now where the Hell are these things? The closest we ever got to this is the Matrix style of teaching kung-fu, and that was in a movie! I want one of these!

Let's not forget that they also predicted that all of nature will go bananas and take its revenge on us, humans will no longer live in cities, but tiny scarce tribes. Just like the good ol' days.

Time for a spot of tea. Cheerio!

But before even thinking of exterminating all the horse population on Earth, someone thought of something nice for a change. "How about if I wouldn't need a horse anymore to draw my carriage? We'll probably exterminate them anyhow. That's it! A butler to draw my carriage!". He didn't need to think twice, so what we got is one of the technological wonders of that century.

A fully working robot that worked on steam. Yes, this "every steampunker's wet dream" really was built and it worked. Like a charm. Why don't we have these guys running around even today? Because in 1860 when it was built it costed 2000$, the equivalent of all your God damn money today. Yes, people back then made robots, that worked better than your high-tech PC or laptop. And this wasn't the first robot built either.

And so it ends. I tried to stick as little as possible to the conventional things that we were all taught in the classrooms and the funny thing is I don't really care if I managed to do so or not. Also, you are really a stubborn mule, seeing you made it this far. Anyhow, before I leave, I must mention that sometime during the 19th century, one of the greatest Pokemon masters did a complete research on all the known animals (back then) on Earth and managed to prove that Pikachu does indeed evolve from an inferior lifeform known as Pichu and that Marril can evolve into Azumarril under certain circumstances. Thank you Charles Darwin.

I bid you farewell. For now.

THE TRUTH

2010-02-19T22:38:00.002+02:00

A Dyhidrogen Monoxide molecule.

Any questions?

P.S. Gotcha'.

A new episode. With an environmental twist.

2010-02-13T05:30:00.000+02:00

I'm sick of this shit.

I am terribly disgusted. Today's world is a world full of genetic manipulation, a world where you can't stuff anything (and I mean anything) in your mouth without it being somehow altered. Normally I wouldn't care, since I love KFC food, pizzas, soda drinks, but something has just came to my knowledge: as if it wouldn't be enough that these days we have all these preservatives (yes Romanians, laught it all out, ha ha ha [as a side note to this, I must explain to you other folks what's to laugh about the word "preservatives": it sounds exactly like the Romanian word "prezervativ" which means "condom", so "preservatives" = "condoms", yes, now you may all laugh it out, ha ha ha]), the major companies are inserting a new and very dangerous chemical named Dihydrogen Monoxide (we'll call it DHMO from now on). And all this with the gentle and caring help of the government.

You might not know what DHMO is (Hell, I didn't know what it is until four days ago), but I'm here to enlighten you, without any financial claims. It's all free. I admit I had spent the past four days thinking "should I break this so-called tradition of amusing posts that are only serious somewhere at a more profound level and insert this direct post that has nothing to do with the others?". It may come as a great surprise to you, hey, it was a great surprise for me too. But something has to be done.

What is DHMO? DHMO is a powerful chemical agent that's all around you these days, and this problem isn't something that exists only in Romania, U.S.A, U.K or Ireland. No, it's way bigger than that, and ironically the only countries that are not affected by DHMO are the third-world countries because of the simple fact that the corporations didn't extend their greed to those places, since they seem so worthless.

Let's start with something simple. Take a bottle of Cola, any Cola, if you don't have any, I'll wait for you to buy one. Now look at that bottle of Cola, do you see anywhere written DHMO or dihydrogen monoxide? Of course not, because these companies don't really want you to know that they have such things in their products because you'd fucking stop buying them!

A statistic that I got my hands on says that roughly 90% percent of the products on today's market shelves have at least some moderate traces of DHMO. How cool does that sound? Even in farms, they inject some of this chemical into all the fruits and vegetables. Remember those good, big and juicy tomatoes you ate five days ago? Well, they had DHMO in them. That's what makes them look so nice and fresh these days. Those cubic watermelons from Japan? Oh, lots of DHMO in them too, so they can hold on longer. I'm kind of sick of people injecting all sorts of stuff in my food, without even asking me before!

What about the animals? Fear not, my friends, for there are plenty of untested "qualities" of the DHMO that the "scientists" are sooooooo dying to try. There are technically billions of animals in this world right at this very moment that are being experimented on with DHMO.

Some bunnies.

Do you want the bunnies to die?

Do you think your pets are safe? Ha, think again. Because the water they (and you drink) contains large quantities of the chemical agent we're currently talking about. The pollution is so widespread that DHMO has even been found in the Antarctic glaciers. Can you believe it? Even there?

It's also being used as a cooling agent in the nuclear power plants, after which it's being dumped in a nearby lake, river or pond.

Bathe in THAT!

Speaking of us, the people. None of us are safe, at all. How can we trust the XXIst Century governments when they so shamelessly experiment on us, on the cute bunnies and then put us down? This cannot go untolerated. I'm terribly sorry if you were expecting some other funny post, but I'm disgusted by all this. And if not us, who can do anything about it? Nobody. We must stand up for our rights, for our health and for our future, with no DHMO or other chemicals in our food, in our water, in our atmosphere.

What can you do? Sign this petition for the banning of DHMO, and we'll hopefully bring down these greedy governments that give our health and our children's in exchange for more money. Sign this petition, it won't take long, and maybe we'll someday have once more the pleasure of seeing healthy people on the face of the Earth and dolphins racing cows on the surface of the ocean.

Photo taken circa 1657 A.D.

"Speak of the devil.."

2010-02-09T20:10:00.034+02:00

Man's favourite adversary since
aproximately 6000 BC

From the dawn of humanity itself man has been searching for explanations to things and natural phenomena that he didn't quite fully understand. Some explanations were natural, other were supernatural, but most of them were downright stupid. Well, they had to be explained somehow, it's in our human nature, right? That's right. It turns out that besides these explanations to the natural but unknown phenomena, people also invented something in parallel, something that would be even more succesful than the iPod and peach-scented toilet paper altogether, something that would get them about they're simple, mortal, miserable lives far more easier than they would without this marvelous invention. This invention was being called "blame" and it was mainly concentrated on one supernatural entity. Yes, as you have probably already guessed, brace yourselves folks, because in this post we're going to talk about

The DEVIL!!!

(you still have a chance to turn away from this sinful reading, though)

Yes, the Devil, also known as Beelzebub, Lucifer, Leviathan, Iblis, Prince of Darkness, Satan, Mephistopholes, Kölski, Shaitan, Voland, The Adversary, The Accuser, The Prosecutor, Lady Gaga, Old Scratch, George Dubya Bush, Antichrist, el Diablo, you name it. These are several of the names the Devil is known by, however two of them are wrong. Beelzebub is just one of the Devil's lieutenants, not the Devil himself. Same goes for Lucifer. Good, now that we got this cleared, let's see who truly is this character. This post will try to research the Devil's origins, as he himself will tell us about his struggles to fend off bullies in the Holy Divine High-School he was in, bullies who were led by God almighty himself, and the fight with eternal life's downs and the rejoicing of it's ups.

The Devil must be one of the most feared, except for the dentists and lawyers, and possibly most misunderstood entity in this whole wide World. No one really knows anything about his origins. Where did he come from? Is he really dark skinned? Did he come from Africa? That would explain why all the KKKs are also good Sunday Church-going christians.

"Yeah, yeah, love thy neighbour as thyself,

Pater noster qui es in caelis sanctificetur nomen tuum...
blablabla...

Let's kill some niggers."

The Bible version tells us that the Devil kind of got tired of God's claims: "Don't do this. Do that. Don't park here. Don't wear this shirt.", just like you average naggin' wife. So naturally he got sick of it, showed God the finger and tried to overthrow him, but alas...the Devil's forces where not as numerous as God's, so he kind of got kicked from Heaven. Oh wait, this one's Lucifer. So this version goes to the Recycle Bin.

"Fuck yoooooooooooooo...."

Another version concerning the Devil's origins is a story from the Romanian mythology: the Devil and God were already there when God created the World. And the Devil kind of hated God's ass....well, you can't really blame him....as the legend goes, God was pure and white, while the Devil was black as charcoal (uh-oh...), the Devil kept naming God "brother" [fârtate], but God kept naming the Devil "not brother" [nefârtate]. So besides the fact that he was a genuine racist, God didn't even hear about "equal rights" and stuff like that or "love thy neighbour". What a douche-bag... Since then, God and Satan parted they're ways and have never talked to each other again, except on several occasions. We'll stick to this version, because it actually talks about the Devil, and not Lucifer. Anyhow, people do believe in him, wherever he came from. In a fully technological modern era, 60% of the Earth's population believe in the Devil. The other 40% believe he's me.

And now, especially for you, me and my team went to the Devil's home to take him an exclusive interview about his youth, present and future plans. Armed with a digital camera, a survival guide (entitled very appropriately "Journey to the center of the Earth", thanks Jules, you're ok) some flashlights and (let's not forget) some towels, we started our journey somewhere in Romania's Apuseni Mountains who are famous for their interdimensional gates and gates to Hell. At first we kind of got lost and took an interdimensional gate which kind of led us to somewhere else (because I don't really recall the Holy Scripture telling us about floating brains and flying cucumbers in Hell).

Actual photo.

"No problem" we said and after a couple of hours spent in a waiting room we finally took the road to Hell, our ride had finally came. "You know, the road to Hell wasn't built in one day." said our tour guide "all of these hi-fi things you see around you took hundreds of years to be built."

The tour guide showed us an interesting movie about the H.E.L.L. Corporation and how it helped this Earth for so many years: McDonald's, Starbuck's, all of them were conceived here by Mr. Satan Devilski, CEO of H.E.L.L. Corporation. The presentation movie was quite interesting, but suddenly a Blue Screen of Death appeared, I couldn't help myself and started laughing while thinking that "wow, they have it here also", I then turned to our tour guide:

"Excuse me miss...."

"Succubus. Ophelia Succubus."

"Yes, miss Succubus, there seems to be a problem with your operating system."

"Neah, this is how we programmed them. It usually gives an adrenaline rush."

After two hours of travelling with nearly the speed of lint (the fastest moving object in the Universe), we arrived in the centre of Hell (or H.E.L.L. as it's known here) to Mr. Satan Devilski's house.

I approached the entrance and before I could even get the chance of pressing the doorbell button, I heard a terrible scream from inside the house, so horrible that my knees started shaking like knees usually start shaking when they start shaking violently.

For a second there I though "what the fuck was going on in your sick mind?! You're feeding yourself to the lion and now you're going to die!"....I also thought of running, but it was too late, the door opened and an imposing figure stepped out:

"WHO DARES ENTER THE LAIR OF SATAN?!?!"

"I just want an interview..."

"Oh, it's ok, sorry to scare you, I just love to say that. A lot. Satan Devilski, CEO of H.E.L.L. Corporation and most wanted bachelor in the whole Universe. Come on, don't be scared."

"Well, what was that scream I heard from inside the house?"

"Oh, that's the doorbell."

"But I didn't even get to push the button."

"Well, you don't have to, it's motion sensitive. This is hi-fi stuff, right here."

"I always thought you're dark, but to even have tortured men screams as your doorbell?"

"Tortured men screams? It was supposed to be the Moonlight Sonata!" he said while hitting the doorbell button "there, it's fixed now. Come in, please."

So I stepped in. The house was quite beautiful, Baroque style, warm and with plenty of light. Totally unexpected.

Satan's style of choice.

"So you said you wanted an interview?"

"Why...yes. Please."

"Ok, let's start."

"Mister Satan Devilski..."

"Please, call me Satan, all my friends call me Satan."

"...Satan what can you tell us of your youth?"

"My youth...hmmm.....well, you see, my youth wasn't as happy as one might think. Back then I was a student at the Holy Divinity High-School, up there in Heaven. I wasn't too much of a popular kid, something more like Brian Molko (shy and dark) and always trying to invent new stuff as a result of my overwhelming imagination. I wasn't that popular with girls either, I mean, look at me (*he laughs*) I'm not someone to die for. And I was also bullied almost every day by God, yeah, even then he was such a douche-bag...stealing my lunch money and destroying all of my creations. True, there were people like Hades and Hecate who would take my side, but god had Zeus and Shiva on his team...so...yeah...."

"Didn't you stand up to them?"

"Of course I did, I tried to overthrow God and Zeus' team from Mount Olympus, I was in the Titan team, but I eventually got expelled from Holy Divinity High.....(*chuckles*) a fate that my nephew Lucifer would also face very soon, after God became (for a short while) the Headmaster of Holy Divinity High-School."

"Where did you go?"

"Well, I came here and for a while I was an underground DJ, mixing death metal with electronica and classical music with Balkan beats, I was really famous. There, I also met for the first time Beelzebub, Beliarh, Buer and my other current friends."

"What do you think of this perception people have of you? Being the Icon of Evil, Pain and Suffering?"

"Yeah, well, that's just something that God started. I told you he's a douche-bag. I mean, come on....did you ever hear of me killing young innocent babies? Of course not, but remember the plagues sent to the Egyptians from the Old Testament? Yeah, the one where God sent angels to kill the Egyptian babies. Or the part where he led the hebrews in the desert for 40 fuckin' years...in circles. Somebody should tell God that you get faster from point A to point B if you walk in a straight line."

"Speaking of, what's your take on Adam and Eve's banishment from the Garden of Eden?"

"Nothing but the fact that it's another one of God's douche-baggeries. Honestly, he's a control freak! He just kept those two as pets, not knowing what good is, not knowing what evil is, they didn't even get to have sex, even though he gave them genitalia. So I showed them the Tree of Knowledge and told them to take a bite out of its fruits, because I didn't know that God was going to get THIS mad, and besides why the Hell would you put something like that in the fucking.middle.of.the.Garden if you don't intend for others to eat it?! So I morphed into a snake and told them that. Then God got mad....sheesh....and he cursed the snake....yes, you heard me right.....THE FUCKING SNAKE to crawl for the rest of its existence and never to speak again, even though he KNEW that I did it. Talk about anger management."

"You do have some followers on Earth also. What do you think about them and their ideological war against christians?"

"This right here is a delicate subject, I must confess. These days you get so many 'satanist' things in the media that it's hard to tell which one is true and which is not. For example, let's talk about the 'Sex Cult Ritual' from the 'Eyes Wide Shut' film.

This is bullshit, because so many people think this is a Satanic Chant, which is not true. This is in fact a part of a Romanian orthodox Divine Liturgy recorded in a church in Baia Mare, played backwards. You want proof? Here you go:

I'm sick of people speaking of me like I'm the Ultimate Evil. I mean, come on! It wasn't me who destroyed Sodom and Gomora after promising Noah that I'll never ever kill large groups of people again. Everybody has something against satanists, my followers. 'Oh, no, they're worshipping the Devil and killing people for their dark rituals!' That's just bullshit!

People are quick to judge, without even bothering to research a bit. Let me give you another example, 'The Devil' tarot card.

When people see it, they think of me as if in a couple of moments I'd immediately burst into the room and steal their souls. They fail to see that this card in fact is about them and about their nature: their materialism, ignorance, self-bondage (no, not that kind of bondage), anger, obsession, selfishness, etc.

There are two types of Satanism:

Theistic Satanism that worships me as a deity: 'Luciferianism" (who I actually think they worship my nephew Lucifer) and Palladists.

The other one is Atheistic or Deistic Satanism which doesn't worship me as a deity, like an entity, but more like a concept. The LaVeyan Satanism for example (first founded by Antony Szandor LaVey, The Church of Satan) is (as Religious Tolerance tells us) "a small religious group that is unrelated to any other faith, and whose members feel free to satisfy their urges responsibly, exhibit kindness to their friends, and attack their enemies". This means that they do what every other human being does, also they value knowledge most of all. They have nothing to do with me, they don't even believe that I exist as a being. Kill babies? Well, if one would read his Satanic Bible, he'd see that it is very clearly written "Satanism respects and exalts life. Children and animals are the purest expressions of that life force, and as such are held sacred and precious..." And even if some satanists (not the LaVeyan type) do have rituals, these rituals don't involve killing animals, or virgins. They involve sex. Lots of sex. Possibly making it the coolest religion (or quasi-religion) on Earth. The only instance when LaVeyan satanists do have a ritual it's when they have a Black Mass, which is a mock of the Christian Mass and its sole purpose is entertainment. Well, they do need a bit of laugh from time to time, don't they? As you can see, there is no killing involved. And besides, LaVey was really a nice dude:

And he could even play the drums and the organ!

Could any Pope do that? This guy's awesome!

He didn't even look like people would expect! I mean, when people hear of satanists, they immediately think of:

A perfectly rational image.

Those Death and Black Metal troubled teenagers give them and me a bad name, Richard Ramirez, Anatoli Onoprienko and all of the other psychopats give me a bad name. 'Satan told us to kill people'.....I don't even know the guys! Killing in my name....who do they think they are?

Not to mention the Church who taught everyone from the Middle Ages until now that satanists (more exactly witches, that were also satanists):

Worship me, first of all, and then these other things:
- Enter into a personal contract with the Christian devil.
- Commit their lives to performing evil deeds, continuously.
- Flew through the air on broomsticks.
- Hold secret midnight Witches Sabbats in the forest.
- Curse animals and humans, causing them to sicken, have miscarriages, or die.
- Generate storms, hail and other weather disturbances to destroy crops.
- Can shape-shift -- change their physical appearance at will from human to animal and back again.
- Boil babies down into a magical soup and used the victim's bones as ritual tools.
- Organize in covens of exactly 13 people.
- Are a massive danger to society, and had to be exterminated.

And those miserable teenagers...making all those 'satanist' signs. What the Hell is the deal with the inverted cross? Do you know what the inverted cross actually is? I'll tell you....it's the Cross of Saint Peter and it's a very christian symbol.

Honestly, I'd definitely come up with something better.

And more aerodynamic.

Also, it is a common misconception of the fact that satanists don't believe in God. It is foolish, you can't believe in me without believing in God, or vice-versa. Satanists do believe in God (by this name, or by no name whatsoever), they think of him as a ballancing factor. But noooooooo......everybody thinks we're killing other people. we don't have to, I don't have to, because people kill each other by default. It's in their nature. And remember:

Hitler was a Christian.

I think people believe in me to be the Lord of Evil because they feel the need to blame every bad thing that happens to them or others on me. "Why did he kill all those children?" Well, if he says "God told me to", he's deemed mad and psychotic. If he says "Satan told me to", people say "Look what Satan does to humanity, and this dude was most certainly a satanist."

I guess this is how things go, I'm something like Batman. People have always needed a scapegoat, they can't stand the thought that they are to blame for all the bad things that are happening so they either blame fate or me, or both of us. If someone's acting psychotic, he's posessed by one of my 'minions', of course....minions that by the time the Renaissance started were at about 2 milions in numbers, or at least by the Catholic Church's count. Apparently I have lots of lieutenants whose names are Amon, Abaddon, Abalom, Abraxas, Barbas, Belphegor, Berith, Demogorgon, Foras, Gremory, Moloch, Samael, etc. Names that would go very well with a black/death metal band. Strangely enough, all of my employees' names are John Smith.

No, not this one.

Also, apparently, I am the bringer of the End and Destruction of the World. Which is rather foolish, because people don't really need help to bring forth their end. They can do it all by themselves, all that is left for me to do is to sit in my comfy chair, have some popcorn and enjoy the fireworks. People are evil by nature, and selfish, they're just too afraid to acknowledge that, and besides...there is no such thing as pure good and evil, it depends on what way you look at it. Either way, I'm getting a show."

"The Evolution of Humanity in 9 Easy Steps"

Coming to you, 1st of January 2012

"Speaking of H.E.L.L. Corporation, can you tell us what is its role, what's its field of occupation? People on Earth think of Hell as a place full of molten tar and lava, but as I saw until now, it's quite pleasant."

"Well, first of all....Hell is quite a hot place, and it's divided in districts. The industrial districts where all the factories reside are the hot ones. What doe H.E.L.L. Corporation do? First of all, it keeps itself hot with molten tar and lava. People on the surface don't really realise it, but this is the Earth's core and it has to stay hot, otherwise the Earth would stop spinning and all life would be extinct. By keeping the temperatures here over 6.100 degrees Celsius we literally make the World go round. The second role of this corporation is to avoid the overcrowding of the Earth's surface and Heaven. We take souls from those two places and bring them here."

"But do people like it here? I mean, what about all those screaming people in hot molten tar-filled cauldrons?"

"Oh, those are sado-masochist people and they actually really like it. They're screaming because they're having an orgasm every two minutes. They like the pain and they look at the others feel that pain and like it. The other non-sado-masochist souls are currently living inside a huge custom-built spa."

"So, you say there's no pain whatsoever."

"None, whatsoever. In fact, let me give you a tour."

Today's weather forecast. Extended edition.

2010-02-07T17:34:00.003+02:00

No, don't do it.

This is one of my shortest posts ever (for the shortest one ever, see this one or this one). It has a short number of sentences. The sentences themselves are short. I guess it's something like Wikipedia's "simple english". Fear not, my friends. I'm still alive.

This is Doppelgänger with today's weather forecast.

Well, what do you know? It is a long one after all. Sort of. I'll be back.

On the road again

2010-01-28T12:47:00.003+02:00

"I knew I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque."

Several days ago, I talked to you about Daniel Defoe's "Robinson Crusoe" and Ferdinand Magellan's legendary journey around the Earth, but one day later after some deep thinking, three 2-litre bottles of Mountain Dew and freezing to death outside at -14 degrees Celsius for fifteen minutes I realised that I didn't quite manage to talk about everything that was worthy of talking about between the XVIth and XVIIIth century A.D. (come to think of it, I wasn't intending to in the first place, this is no god damn history class), and I started feeling pretty bad about the fact that I left out the "Age of Discovery" (which technically happened at the same time with the Renaissance from other countries, because as you'd probably expect, if you're a sane and logical person, the Renaissance didn't start simultaneously in the whole Europe....Hell, Romania didn't even have a fuckin' Renaissance, it simply leaped from the Middle Ages to the Industrial Age, with a bit of Age of Enlightenment between....I'm not fucking with you my foreign friends, it's true). Why, you ask? Well, as a result, we got

first of all.

Obviously, you can't really tell the exact time the Age of Discovery started, but scientists say that it was somewhere around the 1500s....and we'll have to believe them because, well, because they're (wo)men dressed in white labcoats and besides they do study these as an occupation....no, wait, the ones I'm talking about are the historians. Nevertheless, believe them.

Believe him.

Let's start with a little story of a man who just had the most brilliant idea concerning the subject of a new novel. It's somewhere between 1718 and 1719, a beautiful rainy, monotonous, grey and hopeless day in England (I don't know which part of it) and he's off to the local publisher to tell him his idea. Unfortunately, as soon as he comes into the office, mister W.Taylor, the publisher says:

"I'm sorry kid, we don't have any more paper left to print your works on. You'll just have to write a novel and squeeze it all in the title. Think you can manage that?"

Although a bit reluctant at first, the writer agrees and soon enough, on April the 25th 1719, Daniel Defoe and mister W.Taylor publish the book "The Life and Strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe of York, Mariner: Who lived Eight and Twenty Years, all alone in an un-inhabited Island on the coast of America, near the Mouth of the Great River of Oroonoque; Having been cast on Shore by Shipwreck, where-in all the Men perished but himself. With An Account how he was at last as strangely deliver'd by Pyrates. Written by Himself" or simply "Robinson Crusoe" (as normal and sane people like to call it). Luckily for the human species, we do have the amazing capacity of shortening long words (and long stuff in general) so we can live our lives more comfortably.

The nice thing about this Robinson Crusoe dude is that somewhere in his life between his birth and his death he kind of shipwrecked on an unknown island. So for the rest of the book we find out how Crusoe manages to make a hut out of branches and leaves and find some cannibals. Well, I already told you this in the last post, and if you didn't read it then begone spawns of Hell!

Of course, Defoe's novel was quite a riot since it was published exactly at the end of the Age of Discovery. And here we start our journey. Since I have no idea of with whom did the Age of Discovery actually start and I'm faaaaaaaaaaaaar to lazy to find out, we'll take these totally random navigators and see what they achieved (besides eating crackers all day long and looking at the sea).

Bartolemeu Dias (or Bartholomew Diaz, if you really, really, really are a stubborn and ungreatful mule who doesn't want to use this guy's real native name) is (well, more "was" than "is") a Portuguese explorer who unexpectedly and totally by chance discovered the Cape of Good Hope. For those of you who think that "geography" is a newly discovered skin disease, I'll tell you that the Cape of Good Hope is one of the southernmost (if not the southernmost) point of the African continent.

He technically got this whole statue

just for sightseeing.

We're now goint to take a look at Christopher Columbus, who (it is said) discovered America! Well, if you're still one of the people who think that "geography" is the scientific name for a relative of the common fly, you might agree with that straight away. But you'd be half right, because technically he didn't set foot on any of the two American continents (North and South side, y'all!).....until the third and fourth voyages (when he reached the North-East of South America and the East of Central America). The first and second voyages were just the results of GPS errors.

By the way, you might think that it was pretty easy back then to explore and search for new lands. You get a ship and you float around like severed finger in the wine bottle. Wrong. It turns out that Columbus had to try for several years to convince the king that his plan was foolproof and absolutely great.

"My Lord, my Queen...by the power and knowledge that

almighty God invested in me, by all that is holy, I promise thee, no!

I swear by my life and by all that I hold precious, mark my words:

I shall bring you a pineapple."

No one bit the bait until 1492 (from 1485) when Ferdinand II of Aragon and Isabella I of Castile finally accepted him...and this was also a close one. Isabella turned him down, but eventually Ferdinand intervened.

So, here we are. Columbus leaves Palos de la Frontera in search for a better route to India....while sailing to the left.....far to the left....

He sailed and he sailed and he sailed (obviously, nothing important happened while he and his crew sailed) until land was finally sighted.....at 2 a.m. One wonders, what kind of hi-tech flashlight did they use to see the freakin' shore at 2 a.m? Oh well, so they reached land, the land that is now known as The Bahamas Islands, or as he named it: San Salvador.....although he thought it was India.

"Dude....where the Hell are we?"

Eventually he made a second, a third and a fourth voyage that are too boring to speak about. Anyhow, although he discovered the New World blablabla, dear ol' Chris was a genuine motherfucking douche-bag. Apparently just because he could. It goes something like this: sometime between his first and last voyages, he became the governor of one of the territories he conquered and obviously he started converting and fucking (no, not literally) with the natives. You know, what every good explorer and colonist does: convert and rob, or kill and rob.

Eventually he died, still being convinced that his journeys had been along the east coast of Asia. You go, champ. In fact, there was someone that discovered America before Columbus and his name was Amerigo Vespucci (there is a slight connection if you look it up with a magnifying glass). Ok, in fact you can't really tell which one discovered it first: Columbus technically was the first to set foot in South America but even when he died he was convinced it was Asia, while Vespucci was convinced that this was a new continent and he named it accordingly. So....yeah, we're going to have try-outs.

And now for some shorties: Ferdinand Magellan is the first explorer to succesfully try to circumnavigate the Earth, although....he kind of got killed at the very end, while Francis Drake is the first explorer to succesfully try to circumnavigate the Earth and live through all this. Haha.

The next dudes on the list are the original rudeboys of the exploring guild: Francisco Pizzaro and Hernán Cortés de Monroy y Pizarro (we will be refering to him just as Cortes) who almost singlehandedly conquered de Incan and respectively the Aztec empires.

"Greetings! We bring you alcohol and syphilis."

Obviously, since it was the custom back then, they plundered, killed (oh, by the very least), tortured and enslaved all of the conquered natives, and they even converted them by force to christianity. Yuck! I would tell you all about it, but seriously now, I'm no mood for it whatsoever and if you really want to read something about it, visit their Wikipedia pages. This ain't no god damn history class.

The last one I'm going to talk about (have no fear it's a short one) is Vasco da Gamma who is famous for discovering an alternate trade route from Portugal to India. But that doesn't mean it was short.

The black line is Vasco da Gamma's route, the green and yellow one are the traditional routes. Myeah.....so why did he do that? Simply because it was to expensive to travel by the traditional route.....even if that meant to spend even more time on the sea and spend even more money for even more food and drinkable water.....yeah.....sure. I can only imagine the mood on the boats when the sailors found out that Calcutta's weeks away, they have so little food to spare and mister Vasco da Gamma insists that they should go on with their journey.

"Nay, I say! We shall travel forth and discover new la..."

And so we talked about the Age of Discovery with the grace and the attention of a blind bull in a china shop, nothing was left out unintentionally, but merely deliberately. Next up, as I promised last week, is the Industrial Age and the Victorian Age and...in fact, I think it's the whole god damn Modern Age. Yeah, that's right...I'm going to talk about (almost) the whole freakin' Modern Age. Yeah.